Welcome to Vera’s Blog!

In my last post on why being close is more important than sex, I talked about why we crave a deep emotional connection with our partner.

Like a lot of my clients, you might long for a deeper and more intimate bond with your partner. But you might have a hard time actually cultivating it in your relationship. And you might not know why.

If you’ve ever reflected on your desire for closeness and emotional connection, you might have realized that it isn’t just missing from your current relationship. You’ve struggled to create it in your past relationships too.

For example, maybe you’ve realized that you always end up in relationships where you seem to be more emotionally invested in the relationship than your partner is. Or perhaps you crave connection but any time that a relationship has gotten serious, you’ve panicked and pulled away.

If you notice that you keep running into the same problems with different partners and in different relationships, you...

Why do we usually call rom coms and romance novels “guilty pleasures”? Because even if we enjoy them, we tend to think that they’re silly or ridiculous—that they don’t show us what “real life” or a “real relationship” is like. After all, these movies and novels often feature couples taking long walks on the beach, gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes, and texting love notes to one another all day long.

The honeymoon phase of a relationship may look something like that, we think. But in our eyes, a mature, long-term relationship just isn’t like that. A “real” relationship isn’t a passionate whirlwind of being deeply in love with your partner and feeling like you can’t bear to be separated from them. It’s more like being business partners with someone you hopefully like and have sex with from time to time, right?

You know what, though? That’s not really right.

Yes, it’s true...

It’s never fun when conflict arises in your relationship. It feels unpleasant, it can be uncomfortable, and it can make you worry about the future of your relationship or your bond with your partner.

Plus, as I shared in my last post, conflict can negatively affect you and your relationship in a number of ways.

That’s why you might try to avoid conflict in your relationship.

For example, instead of having a conversation with your partner after they forgot to do the laundry yet again, you might just keep your mouth shut and do it yourself.

Or when your partner asks if their friends can come over on Sunday for the fourth week in a row, you might agree even though you were really looking forward to enjoying some time just as a couple.

Initially, avoiding conflict can seem like a good strategy. Because on the surface, it might seem like everything is a-okay between you and your partner. After all, there are no overt arguments, disagreements, or emotionally charged...

In my last two posts on the #1 thing that couples fight about and how to know whether you and your partner fight too much, I told you that conflict is inevitable in every relationship. Because when two people decide to share their lives, it’s only a matter of time before a difference in opinion, preferences, or dreams triggers a disagreement.

You know what this means?

It means that if you want to enjoy a happy, loving relationship, the goal isn’t to eliminate conflict from your relationship. As unpleasant as conflict can feel in the moment, it just isn’t possible or realistic to completely remove conflict from your life. So to some extent, it’s important to be comfortable with the idea that conflict will arise in your relationship from time to time—no matter how much you and your partner love each other and how long you’ve been together for.

At the same time, though, you don’t want to brush off just any kind of conflict that arises in your...

What do I hear most often from clients who are struggling with their relationship?

“My partner and I fight all the time!”

In other words, many of the people I work with worry that they and their partner fight too much.

Where do these concerns come from? They’re usually rooted in unrealistic beliefs and expectations that people have about what a “healthy” relationship looks like.

Specifically, like some of my clients, you might think that if a relationship is healthy, you should hardly ever argue with your partner.

Why?

You’ve probably watched movies or read romance novels where the characters who are in love spend their days staring into each other’s eyes, cuddling in bed, and strolling down the street hand-in-hand, not arguing about how to manage their budget or who’s going to drive their kid to basketball practice at 6 a.m.

As a result, you might think that ANY kind of conflict in your relationship is a sign that something is wrong....

I have a question for you: What’s the most common thing for couples to fight about?

When you see that question, you might scratch your head and think, “Money!” Didn’t you read in a blog post somewhere that couples fight about money more than anything else?

Or…is it sex? Sex is an important part of a romantic relationship, right? So maybe sex is the most common thing for couples to fight about, you think.

But then you think about kids and childcare. Being a parent is stressful, and it means making decisions with your partner every single day. Could it be kids and parenting, then, you wonder? Is that what couples fight about the most?

Well, I’ve got some surprising news for you: None of those topics are what couples are most likely to fight about.

In fact, I have a feeling that the real answer might come as quite the surprise to you!

You won’t have to spend hours searching around the Internet for it, though. Because I’ll be revealing it...

In my last few posts, I’ve talked about the signs of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. Specifically, I’ve explained the characteristics of a healthy bond, broken down red flags in a relationship you should never ignore, and discussed relationship behaviors that seem problematic but aren’t.

As I’ve mentioned in these posts, it’s important to be able to recognize the signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships patterns. Why? Because it helps you understand where your relationship stands. And it allows you to identify what you and your partner could benefit from focusing on the most if you want to strengthen your connection with each other.

However, to truly build a deeper connection with your partner, you need to understand not only WHAT needs to change in your relationship but also HOW to make this change.

That’s why in this week’s blog post, I’m going to walk you through 5 habits that make relationships toxic and break down what to...

In my most recent post, I told you about 9 behaviors you should never ignore or downplay in a relationship. As I explained, these relationship red flags don’t automatically spell doom for your future with your partner. But they do tell you that there’s something in the relationship that needs your attention and may be compromising your connection.

Today, I want to look at the other side of the coin and talk about behaviors that people often think are toxic in a relationship but aren’t. These are behaviors that my clients often tell me about when they’re struggling to build a deep, satisfying connection with their partner. And they come up frequently in conversations with couples who are desperate to save their marriage or long-term relationship.

Many of my clients (and people in general) think these behaviors or habits are the root of their relationship problems—or at least major contributors to them. So they’re often pretty surprised to learn...

In my last blog post—on the 6 characteristics that define healthy relationships—I told you what to look for to determine if your bond with your partner is a solid one.

Knowing the traits that characterize healthy relationships is important for understanding whether your relationship is healthy and what you and your partner could focus on to strengthen your connection.

However, it’s also important to know about the opposite—the red flags in relationships. In a relationship, red flags are signs that something isn’t quite right in a relationship. They’re meant to get your attention and signify potential “danger” or “trouble” so that you can assess the situation and take steps to remedy it or protect yourself.

The tricky thing is that it isn’t always easy to notice red flags—especially if you’re blinded by intense, passionate love. And even if you do notice them, it can be easy to sweep them under the rug or...

As human beings, we’re wired to form relationships with other people, especially romantic partners.

That’s why romantic relationships don’t just give us someone to curl up with on the couch or have sex with. They also boost our physical and mental health. In fact, when you’re in a healthy relationship, you’re more likely to be healthy, engage in healthy behaviors, and have a lower risk of dying.

Because relationships are such an important part of life, you might wonder just how healthy your relationship is. After all, it’s easy to find quizzes, cheat sheets, and checklists that spell out the signs of a bad relationship. But what about healthy relationships? What exactly do they look like? And how do you transform a relationship that’s rocky or even just okay into a better one?

If those are the questions that are running through your head right now, you’re in the right place. Because below, I’m launching a new blog post series on...