Welcome to Vera’s Blog!

Last week, I laid out a blueprint for how to finally stop people pleasing so you can put yourself first.

These tips are great for helping you make day-to-day decisions based on what YOU want (not what your partner, neighbor, or boss wants). In other words, they empower you to have an equal voice in your relationship, confidently decline a request to dog sit, and stand your ground so you can protect your personal time from work.

But you know what? The day-to-day decisions you make aren’t the only time when other people’s needs, desires, and expectations can drown out your own.

You see, if you’re like a lot of the clients I’ve worked with over the years, you might find that even the bigger life decisions that you make are influenced by the opinions and expectations of the people around you.

For example, maybe you went to med school or pursued a career as an accountant because your parents wanted you to.

Maybe you married the type of person your family wanted...

In my last few posts, I’ve told you all about why people pleasing holds you back from being happy, living a meaningful life, and building healthy relationships.

So here’s what you might be thinking, “Okay, Vera, I know that people pleasing is hurting me more than it’s helping me. But it’s not like I can just wake up one morning and decide that I’m going to stop being a people pleaser. It’s just not that easy!”

You know what? I get it. Really, I do.

When you’ve spent years or even decades being a people pleaser, the idea of saying “no” to your neighbor or telling your partner what you want to eat for dinner can feel terrifying. 

At the same time, though, putting an end to your people pleasing ways is essential if you want to start prioritizing the most important person in your life—YOU!

How on Earth do you do this?

Keep reading below to learn my 9 steps to finally stop people pleasing.

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When you’re a people pleaser, you pour a lot of your time and energy into doing things for other people, saying “yes” to their requests, and going along with what they want and say.

That’s why you might think that even though people pleasing can make you feel unhappy or burned out, it must be good for your relationships. After all, who wouldn’t want a partner who always agrees with them, a friend who never says “no,” or an employee who’s always baking them treats?

It’s true that people pleasing might reduce conflict in the relationship on the surface. And it might seem to make the other person really happy and satisfied with the relationship.

But the reality is that people pleasing doesn’t help relationships or set them up for success. Instead, it hurts them.

Why?

That’s exactly what I’m going to break down in this post.

Keep reading below to discover why your people pleasing is damaging your relationships.

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In my previous post, I told you why people pleasing eventually makes you feel unhappy, exhausted, resentful, empty, or dissatisfied with your life. (I also shared 7 ways to tell whether you’re a chronic people pleaser.)

But here’s the thing: It’s important to know that people pleasing hurts you in the long run. But just knowing this usually isn’t enough to make you stop doing it and start valuing yourself the way that you value the people around you.

That’s because the foundation of people pleasing—the reason WHY you invest so much time and energy into doing it—runs pretty deep. So to change how you prioritize and value yourself relative to others, you need to first get to the root cause of your people pleasing behavior. You need to first understand WHERE your people pleasing came from and HOW it affects your relationships today.

By gaining clarity on why you put so much effort into pleasing others, you’ll be able to heal yourself and...

When many of my clients first come to me, they have a decent job, a roof over their head, loyal friends, and maybe even a partner who cares about them.

Sounds like they have a pretty good life, right?

But you know what? The way they feel doesn’t match what their life looks like on paper.

For example, they might feel unhappy, dissatisfied, or unfulfilled. They might have the sense that there’s something missing in their life—even though they can’t put a finger on what it is. And in some cases, they may often be angry or irritable without really knowing why.

Does this sound at all familiar to you?

If it does, you might be doing the same thing that many of my clients are doing when they first start working with me: you might be living someone else’s life instead of your own.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Vera, I’m the one who works my job, takes care of my family, and decides what to wear in the morning. So it’s MY life,...

In my last few posts, I’ve been telling you all about why self-care is so important for moms.

But I’ve also acknowledged some of the challenges moms face when trying to take time out for themselves.

Specifically, I’ve done deep dives on the guilt moms feel when they try to make time for themselves. And I’ve addressed the tricky task of actually finding time in the day that you can spend on yourself.

The reality, though, is that even if you’ve done a lot of inner work to tame mom guilt and reflect on how you’re using your time day-to-day, it isn’t always possible to get away to the spa for a day or go on an afternoon hike by yourself (as nice as that kind of freedom would be!).

Of course, you absolutely should try to find ways to get out of your house for self-care every now and then.

But it’s also helpful to discover activities you can do right at home—while your kids are napping, doing homework, or talking to a friend. After...

Are you a mom who struggles to make time for herself? If you are, I can assure you that you’re NOT alone.

When you scroll social media feeds, it’s easy to get the impression that other moms have it all figured out—they know how to take care of their kids, keep their homes looking like a magazine cover, and still find time to do their hair or give themselves a pedicure.

But from working with hundreds of moms over the years, I can tell you that what you see on Facebook or Instagram usually doesn’t represent reality. Instead, whether they’re working moms or stay-at-home moms, most moms struggle to take time out for themselves.

In my previous post, I talked about why mom guilt holds moms back from taking time out of their days for themselves. (I also shared tips on how to tame mom guilt so you can make time for yourself WITHOUT feeling guilty.)

However, in that post, I also briefly mentioned another major barrier to self-care for moms: time.

After all, when...

In my previous post, I told you why self-care isn’t optional even when you have a family.

But even though you now know about the benefits of making time for yourself when you have kids, a partner, or aging parents to take care of, you might still struggle to actually make it happen.

Why?

Time might be one obstacle. After all, when you’re caring for kids or other family members, it’s harder to find time for yourself.

But when you have other people to take care of, there’s another barrier to self-care that can be an even tougher beast to tackle: GUILT.

Anyone in a caregiving role can feel guilty about taking time for themselves and tending to their own needs. But women are especially likely to struggle with guilt around self-care. After all, as women, we’re constantly surrounded by messages that tell us that our role on Earth is to take care of other people, even if this comes at the expense of meeting our own basic needs.

As I told you last week, though,...

Over the years, I’ve worked with hundreds of clients and students. So I feel pretty confident about saying that most people enjoy taking a break from the daily grind of everyday life and doing something they find fun (whether that’s reading a good book, going for a hike, or training for a half marathon).

And I would even say that most people have at least some idea that self-care is good for them.

So why do a lot of people take care of themselves less than they should?

Because they have so many duties and responsibilities on their plate every day. And for many people, taking time for themselves may not seem as pressing as most of these other tasks.

That’s why prioritizing self-care can be a really challenging thing to do—no matter who you are and what your life looks like.

But it can be especially difficult if you’re a mom.

After all, if you’re a mom, you probably grew up being told that moms always put their kids first—even if it means...

As I’ve shared in my recent posts, intimacy is one of the most important ingredients in a successful relationship.

But having worked with hundreds of couples over the years, I can tell you that intimacy isn’t just a challenge in new relationships. It’s also something that even established couples struggle to maintain and rebuild.

Many people think that the only couples who end up in therapy are the ones who fight all the time, cheat on each other, or stick together for the wrong reasons.

However, many of the couples I work with care about each other, are committed to the relationship, and aren’t on the brink of divorce. So why do they come to me? Because somewhere along the way in their journey as partners, they’ve lost the deep, emotional connection they once shared with each other.

If this sounds familiar, don’t worry. It doesn’t mean that your relationship is in trouble. And it’s not a sign that you need to be in therapy. It just...