Welcome to Vera’s Blog!

Loving someone who won’t change can be incredibly tough. On the one hand, you really care about them and want to keep them in your life. But on the other hand, the relationship often leaves you feeling drained, resentful, disappointed, sad, and maybe even angry.

In recent weeks, I’ve shared how you can navigate a relationship like this in a healthy way. And I’ve chatted about ways to maintain your relationship with your loved one while nixing or at least reducing the stress that it may be creating for you.

But what if the relationship is really taking its toll on you?

What if you don’t really look forward to spending time with your loved one?

What if you just can’t look past the things they do that really bother you or that you don’t agree with?

Or what if having them in your life is starting to eat away at your mental health or affect other areas of your life?

Are these just a “normal” part of having a challenging relationship with...

Have you ever had someone in your life who you desperately wanted to change? Or have you ever been in a relationship where you’d often say to yourself, “If I just wait a little bit longer, encourage them more, or try harder, they will finally change and everything will be better”?

My dear, having a relationship like this in your life is exhausting, and I get it.

And I can tell you that your experience definitely isn’t unique because I’ve been there myself.

In fact, many of us have someone in our life who does something that bothers us on an ongoing basis—whether it’s someone who chronically violates boundaries, is emotionally closed off or unavailable, has a quick temper, or engages in self-destructive behaviors.

In my case, this person was a romantic partner. But it can be anyone we love and care about, such as a parent, sibling, child, extended relative, or friend.

When we have someone like this in our life, it can be really tricky....

As a therapist, I have clients coming to me with a wide range of issues and challenges.

But there’s one issue that pops up more frequently than almost any other: setting boundaries.

As I’ve said before, boundaries are an essential ingredient for a healthy relationship. Just like you can’t make an egg omelet without eggs, you can’t have a healthy relationship without boundaries.

The challenge is that it can be scary and uncomfortable to set boundaries, especially if you’re not used to doing it.

And as I know from my own life and the experiences of my clients, boundaries can be downright daunting when you need to set them as an adult with your parents.

Why?

Because think about it:

If you’re like most people, your relationship with your parents is probably the one that has changed the most over the course of your life.

When you were born, your parents were 100% responsible for you. They made every decision for you, including what to eat, what to...

I’ve been talking a lot recently about how setting boundaries was challenging for me when I first started doing it.

Initially, it was hard for me to overcome the boundary-setting guilt and anxiety I felt. And then I had to learn how to set boundaries clearly, confidently, and consistently so that people would be able to understand and respect them.

But it was important for me to conquer my fears and break through my barriers.

Why?

Because healthy boundaries are an ESSENTIAL part of healthy relationships. So before I could enjoy happy, loving relationships, I needed to put healthy boundaries in place.

The truth, though, is that when it comes to having healthy boundaries in your relationships, setting and enforcing your boundaries is just one part of the puzzle.

Because in addition to setting and maintaining your boundaries with your loved ones, it’s important to be able to accept and respect their boundaries.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Vera, OF COURSE...

I recently shared that when I first started to set boundaries in my relationships, people wouldn’t always respect them.

What I discovered over time is that in most cases, boundaries don’t break down because they’re useless or because the people you set them with are unreasonable. Instead, boundary violations usually happen because we don’t set and enforce our boundaries effectively.

The key word there is “most.”

Because sometimes, we have people in our lives who just won’t respect our boundaries no matter what we do to set and enforce them with respect and love.

Sometimes we have friends, family members, colleagues, or neighbors who are simply toxic. And because they’re toxic, they have a really hard time with accepting and respecting the limits we try to set with them.

When my clients are dealing with a toxic person in their life, they often feel defeated about setting boundaries with this person. They say things like,...

You’ve probably heard time and time again that all relationships—whether they’re between romantic partners, family members, friends, or colleagues—are about compromise.

But what you might not know is that compromising isn’t always a good thing.

Yes, compromise is definitely important. After all, who wants to be in any kind of relationship with someone who thinks that the world revolves around them and their needs?

But when compromise happens too much or in the wrong way, it can actually cause relationships to break down.

Why?

Because when you compromise too much or when you really don’t want to, you actually end up sacrificing what’s important to you for the sake of pleasing the other person or avoiding conflict in the relationship.

And it’s only a matter of time before you start to feel resentful, unfulfilled, drained, unappreciated, lonely, and even disconnected from the person you’re supposed to be in a relationship with.

Did...

Last week, I laid out a blueprint for how to finally stop people pleasing so you can put yourself first.

These tips are great for helping you make day-to-day decisions based on what YOU want (not what your partner, neighbor, or boss wants). In other words, they empower you to have an equal voice in your relationship, confidently decline a request to dog sit, and stand your ground so you can protect your personal time from work.

But you know what? The day-to-day decisions you make aren’t the only time when other people’s needs, desires, and expectations can drown out your own.

You see, if you’re like a lot of the clients I’ve worked with over the years, you might find that even the bigger life decisions that you make are influenced by the opinions and expectations of the people around you.

For example, maybe you went to med school or pursued a career as an accountant because your parents wanted you to.

Maybe you married the type of person your family wanted...

In my last few posts, I’ve told you all about why people pleasing holds you back from being happy, living a meaningful life, and building healthy relationships.

So here’s what you might be thinking, “Okay, Vera, I know that people pleasing is hurting me more than it’s helping me. But it’s not like I can just wake up one morning and decide that I’m going to stop being a people pleaser. It’s just not that easy!”

You know what? I get it. Really, I do.

When you’ve spent years or even decades being a people pleaser, the idea of saying “no” to your neighbor or telling your partner what you want to eat for dinner can feel terrifying. 

At the same time, though, putting an end to your people pleasing ways is essential if you want to start prioritizing the most important person in your life—YOU!

How on Earth do you do this?

Keep reading below to learn my 9 steps to finally stop people pleasing.

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When you’re a people pleaser, you pour a lot of your time and energy into doing things for other people, saying “yes” to their requests, and going along with what they want and say.

That’s why you might think that even though people pleasing can make you feel unhappy or burned out, it must be good for your relationships. After all, who wouldn’t want a partner who always agrees with them, a friend who never says “no,” or an employee who’s always baking them treats?

It’s true that people pleasing might reduce conflict in the relationship on the surface. And it might seem to make the other person really happy and satisfied with the relationship.

But the reality is that people pleasing doesn’t help relationships or set them up for success. Instead, it hurts them.

Why?

That’s exactly what I’m going to break down in this post.

Keep reading below to discover why your people pleasing is damaging your relationships.

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In my previous post, I told you why people pleasing eventually makes you feel unhappy, exhausted, resentful, empty, or dissatisfied with your life. (I also shared 7 ways to tell whether you’re a chronic people pleaser.)

But here’s the thing: It’s important to know that people pleasing hurts you in the long run. But just knowing this usually isn’t enough to make you stop doing it and start valuing yourself the way that you value the people around you.

That’s because the foundation of people pleasing—the reason WHY you invest so much time and energy into doing it—runs pretty deep. So to change how you prioritize and value yourself relative to others, you need to first get to the root cause of your people pleasing behavior. You need to first understand WHERE your people pleasing came from and HOW it affects your relationships today.

By gaining clarity on why you put so much effort into pleasing others, you’ll be able to heal yourself and...