SELF-CARE: How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Anxious or Guilty + FREE Busting Your People-Pleasing Beliefs Worksheet
When you think about setting a boundary with your partner, sister, parent, or colleague, how do you feel?
Do you feel calm and confident?
Or do you feel like a complete basket case—one that’s full of anxiety and guilt?
If you sheepishly thought, “I’m definitely a basket case!”, I can reassure you that you’re in good company! Because as I’ve seen in my clients and students over the years, anxiety and guilt are common emotions that pop up when people think about setting boundaries.
In fact, they’re so common that I wrote all about why it’s so scary to set boundaries in my last blog post.
As I mentioned in that post, the anxiety and guilt that people experience when setting boundaries can be so powerful that they can stop people from actually setting the boundaries they want to.
The problem, as you might know by now, is that having healthy boundaries is essential for enjoying healthy relationships and maintaining your happiness and well-being. So even though it might feel easier or less scary to avoid setting boundaries in the short term, it only compromises your happiness and relationships in the long term.
What does this mean?
It means that if you want the loving relationships and fulfilling life you deserve, it’s important to be able to set boundaries when you need them.
That’s why in this post, I’m going to share how to set boundaries without feeling anxious or guilty.
Keep reading below to learn the key strategies I teach my clients and students for managing boundary-setting anxiety and guilt.
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5 Steps to Setting Boundaries with Less Anxiety and Guilt
Before I dive into the strategies I’ll be sharing, I want to make a quick note: In this post, I’ll be focusing on how to manage the anxiety and guilt that you might feel when you think about and actually set boundaries.
If you’re looking for a step-by-step how-to on setting boundaries, check out my post on how to set boundaries in your relationship. Although I wrote it in the context of setting boundaries in romantic relationships, you can apply the same process to any personal or professional relationship.
Okay, now that we’ve covered that, let’s dive into how to manage boundary-setting anxiety and guilt so that you can be more successful in actually setting boundaries and enjoying happier and healthier relationships:
Reframe The “No”
When they first come to me, many of my clients feel anxious and guilty about setting boundaries because they think it’s unkind, selfish, or wrong in some other way to say “no” to others.
And I don’t blame them. You know why?
Because many of us were taught that saying “yes” is generally good but saying “no” is generally bad. We’re told to say “yes” at work because that’s how we’ll impress our boss and get promoted. We’re told to say “yes” as parents because that’s how our kids will thrive and be happy. And we’re told to say “yes” in our community because that’s how we’ll benefit the world we live.
The truth, though, is that setting boundaries isn’t a “no” that comes from a place of selfishness, laziness, or a lack of concern for others. When you set a boundary, you aren’t crossing your arms, stomping your foot, and yelling “no” like a toddler in protest mode.
Instead, if you do it with love and understanding, it’s a compassionate “no”—one that’s actually a “yes” in disguise. After all, when you put a boundary in place, you do it to protect something, whether it’s your time, energy, resources, mental health, or anything else that’s important to you.
That’s why it’s helpful to recognize that when you say “no” by setting a boundary, you’re actually saying “yes”.
You’re saying “yes” to yourself and giving yourself your time, energy, or well-being back. You’re saying “yes” to the people in your life you want to give more to but haven’t had the capacity to. And you’re saying “yes” to the commitment and responsibilities that you actually want to devote your time and energy to.
Because when you ensure that you have the space to take care of yourself and aren’t completely overwhelmed or burned out, you’re in a better position to take care of the people who really matter to you and to fulfill the responsibilities you truly care about. In other words, you’re able to give in ways that are more beneficial to the people or communities you’re giving to.
So the next time that boundary setting makes you feel anxious or guilty because it seems like an act of saying “no,” remember that it’s actually a way of saying “yes” more effectively.
Dial Down Your Anxiety
Reframing boundary setting might ease some of your anxiety and guilt about doing it. But if setting boundaries isn’t something that you’re used to doing, you might still feel anxious when you think about putting one in place in a particular relationship.
For example, if you want to set a boundary with your parents about how often you’ll visit them, you might feel anxious about what to say, how to start the conversation, or how your parents will react.
That’s why it’s helpful to know how to reduce the anticipatory anxiety you feel when you’re planning to put a boundary in place. Being able to manage this anxiety not only helps you feel more calm and less stressed in the time leading up to when you set a boundary. It also allows you to be more calm and collected when you initiate the boundary-setting conversation. This is important because if you’re calm when setting a boundary, you can listen to the other person, respond calmly instead of reacting with anger, and communicate your boundary in a way that will be less likely to trigger them.
Diaphragmatic breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and meditation are great ways to dial down anticipatory anxiety because they activate the parasympathetic nervous system (the system in your body that helps you relax and reduce stress). But any activity that you find calming and relaxing can help you reduce boundary-setting anxiety.
Start Small
Sometimes my clients and students think that if they’re going to start setting boundaries, they need to do it in all of their relationships right from the get go. So it’s no wonder that they feel so anxious about it, right?
That’s why I make a big point of telling them that it’s A-OK to start small. Doing anything for the first time or first few times can be really scary because it’s unfamiliar. So taking baby steps is perfectly fine.
In the context of setting boundaries, many of my clients and students feel less anxious once I encourage them to start small. I tell them to identify one boundary they want to set with someone whom they find less intimidating or whom they think will be more receptive to the boundary. And I tell them to focus just on setting that one boundary to start off with.
Once they put that initial boundary in place, I encourage them to move on to other boundaries that seem like they could be relatively easy wins. And gradually over time, they can work their way up to setting boundaries that they expect to be more difficult to set.
When my clients take this gradual approach, they’re able to be more successful in setting their first few boundaries, gain confidence with boundary setting through repeated practice, and eventually feel comfortable setting boundaries in a variety of relationships.
It’s true that gradually building your confidence with boundary setting won’t transform all of your relationships overnight. But for many people (and maybe for YOU too), starting small can be the difference between being about to manage your anxiety and actually set boundaries successfully vs. constantly chickening out and not consistency setting effective boundaries.
And remember, as long as you are taking steps of any size, you’re still making progress toward growing as a person and creating the life or relationships you want. Your life’s journey isn’t a race. So it doesn’t matter if you’re taking baby steps while someone else you know is taking leaps. You’re still moving in the direction you want and getting further and further from the place you were in. And THAT is what matters.
Prepare in Advance
When you set a boundary, you usually do it in an active conversation rather than in a speech you deliver to a passive audience. But even though you can’t predict exactly how a boundary-setting conversation will unfold and what the other person will say, it can still be helpful to prepare in advance.
In my how-to post on boundary setting, I talk about why it’s critical to know exactly what you need and what kind of boundary you want to set before you actually communicate it to the other person. If you have a lot of anxiety about setting boundaries, you can take this a step further by writing down what you need, the boundary you want to set, and the key points you want to convey. You can even rehearse some of these points if you’re nervous about being able to articulate your needs and boundary clearly.
Preparing in advance like this has two benefits: First, feeling prepare for a boundary-setting conversation can alleviate some of the anxiety you might feel about it. And second, when you know exactly what you want to convey, you’ll be more successful in communicating it even if you feel anxious or the conversation gets a bit heated.
Expect Possible Resistance
Lastly, it’s helpful to be mentally prepared for the possibility that even if you set your boundary compassionately, the other person might respond negatively to some degree. And it can reduce your anxiety and guilt to know that these negative reactions are not your fault.
For example, let’s say that you plan to set a boundary with your parents about visiting once a month instead of once a week. It’s possible that they’ll respond relatively positively by saying something like, “We understand that it’s a lot to drive out here every week, so although we’ll miss you the other weeks, we get why it’s too much for you. Maybe we can FaceTime on those weeks instead?”
But it’s also possible that they’ll respond negatively by saying something along the lines of “You’re going to come only once a month? Okay, that’s your choice. I guess we’re not that important to you.”
You can reduce the likelihood of a negative response from your parents by communicating your boundary calmly and compassionately. But you can’t eliminate the possibility that they’ll react negatively because the way they react is up to them. If they do end up getting upset, it’s not because you did something wrong, hurt them, or shouldn’t have put the boundary in place. It’s because for a variety of possible reasons, they’re not able to respect and accept your boundary right now. That’s about them, not about you. You don’t need to apologize for “hurting” them or do anything to make them feel better. That’s not your responsibility.
Of course, it’s never fun to think about getting resistance from someone when we want to set a boundary with them. But if you are mentally prepared for possible resistance and know who is responsible for it (not you!), it can reduce the anxiety and guilt you feel about setting boundaries.
Break Through Boundary-Setting Anxiety and Guilt
It’s normal to feel anxious or guilty if you’re thinking about setting a boundary with someone. But these feelings don’t need to consume you or prevent you from setting the boundary in the first place.
The strategies that I’ve shared above have helped hundreds of my clients and students reduce their anxiety and guilt about setting boundaries so that they can enjoy healthier relationships and happier lives. And I know that if you give them a try, they can help you too.
Now, what if you give these strategies a try and find that you just can’t get past how bad you feel about letting other people down when you set boundaries? You might have a hard time reducing your anxiety and guilt because you’re someone who likes to please others.
Fortunately, if that’s you, I’ve got something to help: my FREE worksheet on Busting Your People-Pleasing Beliefs.
It’ll help you break through your beliefs about pleasing others so that you can successfully set the boundaries that are right for you.
And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.
Until next time!
Vera
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