SELF-CARE: What Do I Do When Someone I Love Won’t Change? + FREE Self-Care Time Hacker
Have you ever had someone in your life who you desperately wanted to change? Or have you ever been in a relationship where you’d often say to yourself, “If I just wait a little bit longer, encourage them more, or try harder, they will finally change and everything will be better”?
My dear, having a relationship like this in your life is exhausting, and I get it.
And I can tell you that your experience definitely isn’t unique because I’ve been there myself.
In fact, many of us have someone in our life who does something that bothers us on an ongoing basis—whether it’s someone who chronically violates boundaries, is emotionally closed off or unavailable, has a quick temper, or engages in self-destructive behaviors.
In my case, this person was a romantic partner. But it can be anyone we love and care about, such as a parent, sibling, child, extended relative, or friend.
When we have someone like this in our life, it can be really tricky. Because on the one hand, we love and care about them. But on the other hand, we can eventually feel worn down by the behavior, resentful that our needs aren’t being met, or frustrated that our loved one isn’t making an effort to change.
In some cases, it might be possible and appropriate to leave the relationship or to put plenty of distance between you and your loved one. This is something I’ll dig into in an upcoming post.
But sometimes, it isn’t easy to cut ties, or it isn’t worth it. For example, maybe you don’t want to cut your overstepping aunt out of your life because there are still lots of things about her that you like. Or maybe you wouldn’t mind breaking up with your toxic friend at work, but it isn’t worth it to leave your job over the situation.
If you’re in a situation like this, you might be feeling stuck and confused about how to keep navigating your relationship with your loved one.
That’s why in my next two posts, I’m going to help you explore the options you have available to you if someone you love won’t change.
In this post, we’re going to dive into what you can do when you’re actually interacting with or around your loved one. And in my next post, I’ll tackle how you can protect and honor yourself while navigating a relationship like this.
Let’s get to it.
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Understand That You Can’t Change Them
(Because spoiler alert: it’s not about them!)
When someone you love regularly does something that bothers you, it can be really tempting to believe that you can change them or convince them to change on their own.
You might think, “If only my sibling would make more of an effort to help care for our aging dad, everything would be fine.” And when the road map to change seems so simple and straightforward to you, it can be easy to believe that you can and should do whatever you can to make this change finally happen.
But as I’ve shared before, the reality is that no matter how much you care about your loved one or how much time and energy you have to throw at the situation, you can’t change someone who isn’t already ready and willing to change.
This can be very difficult to accept, especially if you’re someone who has a need to control or “fix” situations. You might be convinced that if a relationship that matters to you isn’t going the way that you want it to, there must be something you can do to change it. But the truth is that you can’t control or change someone else; you can only control and change yourself.
Realizing this can be difficult because it means that no matter how badly you want someone you love to change, the change is largely out of your control. But what you might not realize is that it’s also very empowering.
Why?
There’s a quote by NBC executive Bonnie Hammer that goes, “You can’t change how people act, but what you can change is how you react.”
When you embrace this mindset, that’s when the magic starts to happen. Because when you recognize where your power lies (in changing yourself rather than in changing others), you can shift your focus to aspects of your relationship that you actually CAN control—the way that you show up in your relationship, how you respond to your loved one, and what you do vs. don’t accept. In other words, you can direct your energy toward aspects of your interactions with your loved one that you can actually do something about.
So what are some things that you CAN do to navigate your relationship with your loved one with less stress and frustration? Here are some options:
Keep Communicating Your Needs And Boundaries
If your loved one won’t change a behavior that bothers you, you might think that it’s pointless to talk to them about anything related to the behavior—including your needs and limits. After all, you might assume that if they’re not willing to change, they won’t be willing to respect what you need either.
As much as I wish I did sometimes, I don’t have a crystal ball. So I can’t predict how your loved one will respond when you communicate what you need or what you can’t accept. But what I do know is that if you don’t tell them what’s important to you, they won’t have a way of knowing what you need. And if they don’t even know what you need, it’s going to be pretty tough for them to help you meet your needs.
That’s why I want to remind you that even if your loved one is stubborn or self-focused, it’s still 100% reasonable to communicate your needs and boundaries to them.
For example, if you need help from your sister to take care of your aging dad, feel free to respectfully communicate this to her. You can absolutely say something along the lines of, “I’m trying to do as much as I can for Dad. But between work and taking care of the kids, I’m not able to do everything he needs. I need your help to take care of him. Are you able to help out more”?
Similarly, if your friend has an alcohol addiction and you don’t like the person they become when they drink, it’s entirely reasonable to put a boundary in place with them about it. You could keep it fairly simple and say, “I love you, and I want to spend time with you. But I can’t be around you when you’re drinking.”
Or you might choose to express how their drinking makes you feel and say something like this: “When you drink and become really angry, I feel sad and miss the person you were before you started drinking. I love you, and I want you to be in my life on a regular basis. But I can’t hang out with you when you’ll be drinking.”
Regardless of what you want to say and how you want to say it (always respectfully and with understanding, of course), know that it’s still worth it to communicate your needs and boundaries to your loved one. It’s possible that they won’t be receptive to what you express. But it’s also possible that they’ll take what you say to heart and honor your wishes. And you won’t know unless you try.
Avoid the Blame Game
If you’re feeling frustrated with your loved one’s behavior, it can be really easy to blame them for hurting you, causing you distress in other ways, and jeopardizing your relationship. Or you might feel compelled to convince them that you are “right” and they are in the wrong.
In most cases, though, blaming your loved one isn’t productive (even if it feels good in the moment). And when it comes down to it, it really doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong because this isn’t what a relationship is all about anyway.
But what if you have to bring up the topic of your loved one’s behavior to tell them how you feel or put a boundary in place? What can you do?
You’ll probably find it more helpful to avoid the blame game and instead focus on your feelings and needs.
If you center the conversation on what your loved one is doing wrong (“We only fight so much because you’re so emotionally unavailable”), they’ll likely feel attacked. And that’s when you’ll find yourself on the receiving end of anger, defensiveness, and other unpleasant reactions that I’m guessing you’d rather not experience.
But if you keep the focus on what you’re experiencing, what you’re feeling, and what you need going forward, it can prevent your loved one from feeling threatened and, as a result, allow them to actually hear what you’re saying to them.
For example, you can focus on your feelings and needs by saying, “When I’m upset about something and you don’t respond to me in any way, I feel unimportant and lonely. I need you to acknowledge my feelings in some way—such as by talking to me or comforting me—so that I know that you see me and hear me.”
Accept Where They’re At
If you’re upset that your loved one won’t change, you might find it helpful to practice acceptance of where they’re at right now.
As I shared above, you can’t change your loved one. And they might not be willing or able to change right now. If this is the case, they will probably keep being who they are and acting the way that they do for the time being.
For example, if they’re constantly trying to violate your boundaries, they’ll probably keep doing it in the near future. And if they’re struggling with a drug addiction, they probably won’t stop using drugs tomorrow. This can be really hard to come to terms with, but practicing acceptance can make it easier.
When you practice acceptance, you acknowledge that your loved one is who they are right now and that their behavior is the way it is. You might also recognize that they’re not refusing to change because they don’t love you enough or want to hurt you. Instead, it’s likely that there’s something within themselves that they haven’t addressed or recognized and, as a result, they can’t work toward changing yet.
Reframing the situation as “my partner won’t open up to me more” to “my partner can’t open up to me more right now” may help you let go of any frustration that you’re feeling and accept your loved one for who they are right now.
Remember That Forgiving Isn’t Agreeing
What if you feel frustrated about your loved one’s behavior but can’t accept where they’re at right now? Another option for letting go of your feelings is to forgive.
One of the hardest things about forgiveness is that it can feel like giving in or agreeing with what happened. So I want to remind you right here that forgiving someone doesn’t mean agreeing with them or with what they’ve done. If your mom has a habit of violating your boundaries, for example, you can forgive her without agreeing with her behavior or giving in to it.
What a lot of people don’t realize is that forgiving isn’t something we do to make someone who has wronged us feel better. Instead, it’s something that we do to acknowledge something that has hurt US, let go of the negative emotions WE are experiencing, and move forward in OUR life.
So if forgiving your loved one (either to their face or simply within your heart) is something that might be helpful for you, don’t be afraid to do it. It doesn’t mean that you’re giving their behavior a stamp of approval or letting them walk all over you.
When Your Loved One Won’t Change, Focus On What YOU Can
In an ideal world, our loved ones would immediately recognize, acknowledge, and change the things they do that bother us and strain our relationship with them.
But as you know, my dear, reality is a bit more complicated. Because as much as it seems like it should be easy for your loved one to change, you can’t make them do it.
As I mentioned above, though, recognizing and embracing this reality is incredibly helpful. Because when you recognize that you can’t control your loved one, you can shift your energy to what you CAN control—how you respond to your loved one’s behavior and your mindset about it. And this can play a big role in helping you let go of anger, frustration, and disappointment and feel less drained by the relationship.
Managing your emotions and your energy is important in any relationship. But it’s especially important when you’re navigating a relationship with someone who won’t change. That’s why in my next post, I’ll be walking you through what you can do to take care of yourself and protect your needs and happiness when someone you love won’t change. So keep your eyes peeled for it on my blog.
In the meantime, use my Self-Care Time Hacker to help you take good care of yourself and your needs while navigating your relationship with your loved one.
The Self-Care Time Hacker will help you carve out time for self-care on a regular basis so that no matter what you’re experiencing right now with your loved one, you’ll still get what you need to feel happy, centered, and fulfilled.
And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.
Until next time!
Vera
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