Welcome to Vera’s Blog!

We all have bad days, right?

You know, the type of day when…

…you get stuck in traffic and miss your morning meeting.

…your dishwasher suddenly breaks down and you need to wash ALL of your dishes by hand.

…your kids seem determined to push EVERY one of your buttons.

I certainly had many of those days and some of them affected me more than others.

However, what I realized over the years is that we do not have to be the victims to our life circumstances and that we are in charge of how we choose to see the world and respond to it.

So instead of focusing on the negative life circumstance we have an option to enjoy part of the day or at least not feel weighed down by the bad thing that had happened.

Wouldn’t it feel great if the same thing could happen to YOU?

Wouldn’t it be awesome if that fight with your mom didn’t have to ruin your date or if a bad day at work didn’t have to stop you from enjoying your Friday evening with your...

Valentine’s Day is a day about celebrating love.

But like many people, I used to think that it was only about celebrating romantic love with another person.

And so whenever Christmas ended and the heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and candy started to fill store shelves, I used to feel sad and left out if I wasn’t in a relationship (or if I was in a rocky relationship).

My very idea of Valentine’s Day made me focus on what I was lacking—a healthy and loving romantic relationship.

And it stopped me from recognizing that romantic love isn’t the only kind of love that’s important to celebrate on Valentine’s Day.

After all, although romantic relationships are very important relationships for many people, they aren’t the only ones that matter. And they aren’t the only ones that are worth celebrating this Valentin

e’s Day.

So whether you’re single, happily partnered up, or in a rocky relationship this Valentine’s Day,...

I recently shared that I absolutely love January.

Yes, I’ll admit that this might have something to do with the fact that I live in California and not Wisconsin (where I’m sure it’s probably freezing right now!).

But what really lights me up about January is the chance to start fresh with a clean slate and have a whole year stretching before me to achieve a goal or create a change that’s important to me.

And even if you don’t really like January the way that I do, I bet there’s still a part of you that feels excited about the opportunity it brings—the opportunity to work toward a goal or change that you’d like to achieve by the end of the year.

For example, maybe you want to experience more joy in your life, find your soulmate, or spend your days doing something that lights you up (instead of just slogging away at a job you hate).

In my last blog post, I shared 5 game-changing tips for selecting and pursuing a goal or change that will...

I know that not everyone feels this way, but I absolutely love January!

Why?

Because no matter how incredible or challenging the past year has been, it’s a chance for me to start fresh with a new slate.

I get to think about how I want to grow over the next 12 months, what I want to accomplish, and the way I want to feel.

And when I see a new year on the calendar and 12 months stretching before me, I feel more inspired and motivated than ever. Because I know that if my heart is all in, anything is possible.

And that goes for you too!

YOU have the power to make this year as full of joy, love, purpose, and satisfaction as you want it to be. You just need to know how to deploy this power intentionally and successfully.

Because as you might know from personal experience, it’s one thing to make a New Year’s resolution or set a goal for the year. But it’s another thing to actually succeed in achieving your goal or creating the change in your life that you set out to...

In my last blog post, I shared that I didn’t always love going to family gatherings. In fact, I would sometimes dread them because I knew they would inevitably end in conflict, stress, and a lot of hurt feelings.

If you dread getting together with your family—whether it’s for the holidays, a relative’s milestone birthday, or “just because”—you might find that one of the most stressful parts of a family gathering are the uncomfortable, boundary-crossing conversations that can catch you off guard.

I’m talking about when…

…your aunt comes up to you and asks why you still don’t have kids.

…your mom tells you in front of everyone that you’ve gained weight.

…or your drunk uncle makes an inappropriate comment about your body.

Whether the conversation is intrusive, emotionally painful, or downright inappropriate, in the moment, you probably feel desperate to make it end. But you also don’t want to...

When I was growing up, my parents, sister, and I all loved each other. But when we were together, the way that we interacted wasn’t always healthy.

My mom and sister would fight a lot. And because I wanted us to all get along, I would often try to play the role of the mediator and beg them to stop fighting and make up. This meant that I usually ended up getting dragged into conflicts that didn’t have anything to do with me. And in the end, I’d feel worse.

That’s why at the time, I sometimes dreaded family gatherings. I always wanted to have that “picture perfect” moment with my family where we all got along and enjoyed each other’s company. But my hopes would sometimes be dashed because inevitably, my mom, sister, and I would fall into our typical relationship patterns and dynamics. And before long, the chaos and conflict would lead to stress, anger, and a lot of hurt feelings.

If you have unhealthy dynamics, boundary crossers, or people you...

You’ve probably noticed that I spend A LOT of time talking about how to set boundaries clearly and confidently with the people in your life. And I’ve even shared some of the personal struggles that I experienced when learning how to set healthy boundaries in my own life.

But the reality is that the healthiest relationships are the ones where both people set boundaries with the other person and respect the boundaries set by the other person.

That’s why it’s important to learn not just how to set and enforce boundaries that you want other people to respect but to learn how to respect the boundaries that other people set with you.

Because when both you and your loved one respect each other’s boundaries, you let each other know that you love each other, that you respect each other’s autonomy, and that your relationship is a safe space for both of you. You also boost the trust and intimacy in your relationship and make it a “place” where...

I’ve been talking a lot recently about how setting boundaries was challenging for me when I first started doing it.

Initially, it was hard for me to overcome the boundary-setting guilt and anxiety I felt. And then I had to learn how to set boundaries clearly, confidently, and consistently so that people would be able to understand and respect them.

But it was important for me to conquer my fears and break through my barriers.

Why?

Because healthy boundaries are an ESSENTIAL part of healthy relationships. So before I could enjoy happy, loving relationships, I needed to put healthy boundaries in place.

The truth, though, is that when it comes to having healthy boundaries in your relationships, setting and enforcing your boundaries is just one part of the puzzle.

Because in addition to setting and maintaining your boundaries with your loved ones, it’s important to be able to accept and respect their boundaries.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Vera, OF COURSE...

I recently shared that when I first started to set boundaries in my relationships, people wouldn’t always respect them.

What I discovered over time is that in most cases, boundaries don’t break down because they’re useless or because the people you set them with are unreasonable. Instead, boundary violations usually happen because we don’t set and enforce our boundaries effectively.

The key word there is “most.”

Because sometimes, we have people in our lives who just won’t respect our boundaries no matter what we do to set and enforce them with respect and love.

Sometimes we have friends, family members, colleagues, or neighbors who are simply toxic. And because they’re toxic, they have a really hard time with accepting and respecting the limits we try to set with them.

When my clients are dealing with a toxic person in their life, they often feel defeated about setting boundaries with this person. They say things like,...

A big part of my journey of breaking free of overgiving was to learn how to set healthy boundaries.

As I’ve shared before, setting healthy boundaries was something that I really struggled with before I became a therapist.

Part of the reason why I struggled so much was because I felt very guilty about setting boundaries. I truly believed that if I put a boundary in place with someone, I was being selfish and denying my loved ones what they needed and deserved to be happy.

But it wasn’t just the guilt that made it tough for me to set boundaries. Boundary setting was also hard for me because in those early days, I often found that people violated the boundaries I set.

Whenever I set a boundary and someone violated it anyway, I used to think one of two things: (a) that boundaries don’t work or (b) that the other person was completely unreasonable.

The reality, though, is that boundaries are usually very effective when you set them skillfully. And most people in your...