SELF-CARE: How to Survive the Stress of Family Gatherings + FREE Self-Care Time Hacker

When I was growing up, my parents, sister, and I all loved each other. But when we were together, the way that we interacted wasn’t always healthy.

My mom and sister would fight a lot. And because I wanted us to all get along, I would often try to play the role of the mediator and beg them to stop fighting and make up. This meant that I usually ended up getting dragged into conflicts that didn’t have anything to do with me. And in the end, I’d feel worse.

That’s why at the time, I sometimes dreaded family gatherings. I always wanted to have that “picture perfect” moment with my family where we all got along and enjoyed each other’s company. But my hopes would sometimes be dashed because inevitably, my mom, sister, and I would fall into our typical relationship patterns and dynamics. And before long, the chaos and conflict would lead to stress, anger, and a lot of hurt feelings.

If you have unhealthy dynamics, boundary crossers, or people you simply find unpleasant in your family, you might also dread family gatherings—whether they’re to celebrate the holidays, a milestone birthday, or something else.

After all, when you just KNOW that your parents will ask intrusive questions about your love life, your aunt will criticize your weight, or you’ll have to put up with a family member who’s rude to everyone, it’s normal to feel stressed, anxious, or sick to your stomach about the idea of getting together with your family.

But unless you truly want to and can opt out, you might find yourself having to attend the gathering anyway.

You know what, though?

Realizing that you’ll be attending your next dreaded family gathering doesn’t have to feel like throwing your hands up in defeat or waving a white flag in surrender.

Because even if there are toxic dynamics or toxic people in your family, there are ways to make family gatherings survivable (and maybe even enjoyable).

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Here are 6 tips that I share with my clients to help them survive the stress of family gatherings:

• Set Realistic Expectations

Especially if you’re getting together for the holidays, it can be tempting to hope that your family gathering will look like a picture perfect scene from a Christmas movie. That’s why you can reduce the stress of family gatherings by setting realistic expectations ahead of time.

Specifically, remember that your family gathering is real life, not a highly engineered scene from a movie (and one that probably required several takes to get just right). So think about what’s reasonable to expect from it. Sure, it’ll be great if there’s no major drama and everyone ends up getting along. But if that’s not how things usually go at your family gatherings, it probably won’t happen this time either. And that’s okay.

Similarly, avoid getting your hopes up that things will be different this time around with a toxic family member. Unless you know that someone has worked on themselves, gone to therapy, or grown as a person, don’t fall into the trap of magically hoping that they’ve changed. If they were unpleasant or toxic to be around last time, they’ll probably be the same this time too.

If you know what to realistically expect from your holiday gathering, you can adjust your mindset, avoid disappointment, and limit the stress you feel when chaos or conflict starts to rear its ugly head. And you can take the next step of gearing up mentally for your family gathering by planning ahead (see the next tip).

• Plan Ahead

Setting realistic expectations for your family gathering is important. Because when you recognize that you might face uncomfortable or challenging situations during the get-together, you can come up with a game plan for navigating them.

How do you do this? 

Think about the stressful situations or conversations that you might find yourself in at the gathering. For example, maybe you know that your sister will tease you about still being single or that your uncle will get drunk and make inappropriate comments about your body.

Once you’ve identified the challenging situations that might come up, you can think about how you’ll deal with them in the moment. For instance, you might come up with a specific response to your sister’s insensitive comments about your love life. Or you might think about ways that you can keep the interaction with your uncle to a minimum (e.g., making sure that you don’t sit next to him during dinner and helping out in the kitchen as much as possible beforehand).

As part of your plan, you might also be able to come up with ways to limit the amount of time you have to spend with your family in the first place. For example, maybe you offer to pick up and drive your grandma to the gathering as an “excuse” to arrive late. You can also plan times to sneak outside for a walk or come up with a reason to leave early.

• Keep People Busy

At family gatherings, toxic situations and conversations are more likely to develop when people are sitting or standing around without much to do. That’s why you can often reduce the stress of a family gathering by keeping people busy. For example, you can round everyone up to watch a movie together or play a game.

Alternatively, if there are only one or two people at the gathering who tend to be problematic, you can try to keep them busy by giving them a task to do around the house or sending them out to pick something up.

• Buddy Up

Family gatherings can feel much less stressful and a lot more manageable if you have a support system to lean on. So if there’s even just one person at the gathering who you get along with, plan to stick by their side. This way, you’ll have someone to hang out with during the gathering. And depending on your relationship and their comfort level, they might even be able to stick up for you during an uncomfortable situation or help you escape it altogether.

What if the one person you get along with can’t make it to the gathering? Or what if you don’t have an ally in your family? Ask a friend to be on standby remotely so that you can sneak away to the bathroom and text them for a few minutes during the gathering if you need some support.

• Be Ready To Manage Your Triggers

You might not be able to stop your family members from behaving in ways that are insensitive, intrusive, or rude. But you can manage how YOU respond when they decide to put their bad habits on display.

For example, if your sister teases you at the dinner table about being single, you might immediately feel hurt and want to lash out at her for insensitively mocking your love life.

You have every right to feel angry and upset at your sister. And her actions are, without a doubt, hurtful, inappropriate, and uncalled for. But if you lash out, the situation will probably just become even more heated and uncomfortable for you. And you’ll inadvertently keep the conversation focused on you and your loved life (which is probably the opposite of what you actually want).

On the other hand, if you instead keep your cool and respond calmly (or largely ignore the comment), there’s only so much longer that your sister will be able to keep the conversation going. This will make it easier to change the topic of conversation and take the focus off you and your love life. And although you might continue to feel hurt and upset inside, you at least won’t also have to deal with the fallout from a heated argument or fight. You’ll also be able to walk away from the dinner table looking classy and respectful instead of defensive and aggressive.

The best way to manage a trigger at a family gathering is to find a quiet place where you can take a few moments to breathe and collect your thoughts. This could be a bedroom, a bathroom, or even outside.

But if you can’t excuse yourself, try pausing before you respond and giving yourself a chance to take a few slow, deep breaths. As you do this, remember that your family member’s actions say more about them than they do about you or your life. And keep in mind that as good as it might initially feel to snap back at your family member, responding calmly will limit the hurt and conflict that you’ll have to deal with.

• Have Something To Look Forward To

You can make an unpleasant or stressful family gathering a bit easier to bear by planning something fun for you to do afterward. For example, you might decide that after the gathering, you’ll head home, change into your most comfortable PJs, and binge watch the newest season of your favorite show. Or maybe you make plans to have lunch with your friends the next day. In any case, you’ll have something fun, pleasant, and stress-free to look forward to while you’re trying to smile and nod your way through an uncomfortable family gathering.

Stressful Family Gatherings Are Survivable

We’d all love to have picture perfect family gatherings. But the reality is that for many people, family get-togethers can be uncomfortable, unpleasant, and stressful.

The good thing is that even if you don’t want to or can’t skip the event altogether, there are steps you can take to make it survivable. In particular, it’s helpful to set realistic expectations, come up with a plan for navigating challenging situations, and be prepared to manage triggers when they inevitably pop up. You might not be able to make the family gathering 100% fun and enjoyable. But if you can get through it with minimal embarrassment, shame, or hurt, that’s a win.

As I mentioned above, it’s easier to get through stressful family gatherings and other unpleasant obligations in your life when you also create dedicated time to do something fun or address your own needs.

But I know that whether it’s during the holidays or any other time of the year, carving out “me time” or self-care time can be tough. And even if you do manage to pencil it into your calendar, it’s often the first thing to get postponed or cancelled when something “more important” comes up.

That’s why I’ve developed a FREE worksheet for you called the Self-Care Time Hacker.

It’ll help you create “me time” for yourself on a regular basis (and actually stick to it). So instead of just running from one dreaded obligation to the next, you’ll have time for joy, love, and fun every week.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.

Until next time!

Vera

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