Conflict in Relationships: Do You and Your Partner Fight Too Much? + FREE Relationship Conflict Decoder

What do I hear most often from clients who are struggling with their relationship?

“My partner and I fight all the time!”

In other words, many of the people I work with worry that they and their partner fight too much.

Where do these concerns come from? They’re usually rooted in unrealistic beliefs and expectations that people have about what a “healthy” relationship looks like.

Specifically, like some of my clients, you might think that if a relationship is healthy, you should hardly ever argue with your partner.

Why?

You’ve probably watched movies or read romance novels where the characters who are in love spend their days staring into each other’s eyes, cuddling in bed, and strolling down the street hand-in-hand, not arguing about how to manage their budget or who’s going to drive their kid to basketball practice at 6 a.m.

As a result, you might think that ANY kind of conflict in your relationship is a sign that something is wrong. And every time that conflict arises in your relationship, you might wonder if you and your partner fight too much.

But really, where is the line? How much conflict is too much?

For example, if you and your partner disagree about where to go for dinner one day, how much to spend on groceries another day, and whether your son can sleep over at a friend’s house a week later, is that a problem? Is your relationship doomed to fail?

These are EXACTLY the questions that I’ll be tackling in this blog post.

Here are signs that you and your partner might be fighting too much:

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Your Negative Interactions Outweigh the Positive Ones

Some amount of conflict is normal in a relationship. And in fact, when two people with different passions, dreams, and preferences decide to share their lives, it’s only a matter of time before conflict pops up.

However, in a healthy relationship, arguments and disagreements make up only a fraction of interactions between partners. The remaining interactions are positive ones. Specifically, research shows that in healthy, stable relationships, there are five or more positive interactions for every negative interaction between partners.

This need for a balance between positive and negative interactions makes sense. After all, it’s one thing if you and your partner occasionally argue about day-to-day responsibilities but generally enjoy each other’s company the rest of the time. But it’s another thing if you spend every day bickering, avoiding each other, or feeling pissed off at one another. That’s not a pleasant way to live. And sooner or later, having that amount of conflict in your relationship will spill over into other areas of your life.

You Can’t Respectfully Discuss Difficult Issues

No matter how solid your relationship is, you’ll eventually need to have a difficult conversation with your partner.

Maybe you aren’t fully satisfied with your sex life and want to talk to your partner about how you’d like things to be different in the bedroom. Or perhaps your partner has an aging parent and the two of you need to decide what kind of support you’ll provide to them.

Having a difficult conversation may never be your idea of a fun way to spend a Sunday afternoon. However, if your relationship is healthy and you and your partner know how to manage conflict effectively, you’ll be able to have these kinds of conversations respectfully. You might have different opinions and emerge from the conversation with no clear immediate solution. But you’ll be able to communicate your thoughts and feelings in a way that’s respectful to you and you partner.

On the other hand, if you and your partner approach conflict in an unhealthy way, you might often have a hard time remaining respectful toward each other while discussing difficult issues. For example, you might have a tendency to get so worked up during the conversation that you yell at your partner, insult them, or completely explode.

One of You Often Shuts the Other Down

As I just mentioned, conversations about conflict don’t have to produce an immediate solution. In fact, among healthy couples, many conversations about conflict don’t end with a clear resolution of the original issue. But if you and your partner are able to approach conflict in a healthy way, you’ll both have a chance to express your thoughts and feelings before the conversation comes to an end.

In comparison, if you find that you don’t get a chance to communicate what you want to say because your partner is always shutting down the conversation, that’s a sign of unhealthy conflict in a relationship. For example, you might notice that in the middle of a tough conversation, your partner either stops talking or gets up and walks away to bring the conversation to an end. This is unproductive and only sets the stage for conflict to persist because it prevents you and your partner from discussing the issue and confronting the negative emotions that come up in relation to it.

Now, to be clear, shutting down is VERY different from taking a time out. As I mention in my video on how to respond instead of react to conflict , taking a time out is a very healthy strategy to use while communicating about conflict with your partner. After all, when you take a time out, both of you have a chance to calm down, reflect, and think about what you really want to communicate to each other. So if your partner tells you that they need to take a break from the conversation and will come back to it in 10 minutes, an hour, or the next day, that’s a completely reasonable request.

When your partner shuts down, however, they don’t respectfully signal their need for a break from the conversation. And they don’t exit the conversation with an intention to come back to it later. Instead, they abruptly stop participating with the hope that shutting down will make the issue go away.

You Usually Focus On Character Rather Than Specific Behaviors

Let’s say that your partner forgot to pick up groceries on their way home from work (again!).

If you decide to have a conversation with them about it, you could approach it by saying something like, “I feel very anxious when you forget to pick up groceries on your way home from work because then I don’t have food for making dinner or the kids’ school lunches.”

Or you might say something like this, “I can’t believe you forgot to get groceries again! You have the worst memory in the world! Why can’t you do anything right?”
What’s different about these two ways of approaching the issue?

Yes, the first conversation sounds calmer and more respectful. But what’s just as important is that it focuses on your partner’s behavior, not their character.

Why is frequently focusing on character a sign of unhealthy conflict? Because when you focus on your partner’s character, it can feel like you’re attacking them and saying that they are flawed at their core. This makes it more likely that your partner will become defensive and that the conversation will become emotionally charged.

In addition, because focusing on character takes attention away from the actual issue (the behavior), it makes it harder for you and your partner to manage the conflict effectively. After all, it’s much easier to figure out how to address the issue “forgets to pick up groceries” than it is to address the issue “can’t do anything right.”

You Often Blame the Other Person

No one’s perfect. We all make mistakes—you and your partner included. What matters is HOW you respond when you mess up or hurt your partner.

It’s never fun to realize that you’ve done something wrong or hurt your partner in some way. So it can be hard to admit that and take responsibility for your actions. And it can be tempting to downplay what happened or even point fingers at your partner for it.

But when you always play the blame game in your relationship, it sets the stage for more conflict, unhappiness, and dissatisfaction. It tells your partner that you’re more interested in protecting your ego than apologizing and acknowledging that you’ve hurt them. And it sets your partner up to feel that they’re never “heard” in the relationship.

So if you find that you or your partner are frequently blaming the other person for what you’ve done wrong, it’s a sign that unhealthy conflict might be a recurring issue in your relationship.

You Fight So Much That It Seems Normal

You don’t need to be able to recall every disagreement that you and your partner have ever had. But if the two of you fight so much that you don’t even realize when conflict pops up, it’s a sign that there’s a significant amount of unhealthy conflict in your relationship.

Similarly, if name calling, criticism, or any other negative behavior happens so frequently that it seems completely normal to you or your partner, that’s a sign that unhealthy conflict may be a problem in your relationship.

You and your partner don’t need to be managing conflict perfectly every time an issue comes up. But if unhealthy conflict is the norm in your relationship (especially to the point where you don’t even realize it), it’s something you shouldn’t ignore.

It’s more about “how” than “how much”

As you can see, when it comes to arguments and disagreements in your relationship, HOW you face conflict is more important than HOW OFTEN it arises.

Frequency does matter to an extent, of course. Because as I mentioned above, it’s hard for a relationship to feel joyful and satisfying if negative interactions make up a big portion of your day-to-day life.

But for the most part, what really matters is how you and your partner respond in the face of conflict. If you usually communicate respectfully during disagreements, truly listen to each other, and take responsibility when you’ve done something wrong, you’ll be in a good position to maintain a loving bond with your partner even in the face of challenges and stressful situations.

But if either of you often approaches conflict in a negative or destructive way, it’ll take more of a toll on your relationship.

Curious about whether the conflict in your relationship is healthy or unhealthy?
Fill out my FREE Relationship Conflict Decoder.

It’ll help you understand whether you and your partner typically approach conflict in ways that can strengthen your relationship or in ways that can push the two of you apart.

If you’re worried that unhealthy conflict is tearing you and your partner apart, I’ve got something that can help: my 6-week online program From Conflict to Ultimate Love.
It’ll give you step-by-step guidance on how to manage triggers and conflict in your relationship with less stress and more success so you can build a deeper, more loving connection with your partner.

Get all the details or enroll right here.

And finally, if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.

Until next time!

Vera

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