Intimacy in Relationships: Here’s What It REALLY Means to “Be Vulnerable” in Your Relationship + FREE Love Coupons

In my last couple of posts, I shared with you why emotional connection matters so much in relationships. And I explained how your attachment style shapes your ability to form close emotional bonds with romantic partners and loved ones.

However, it isn’t that secure attachment itself leads to more emotional closeness. In other words, just having a secure attachment style doesn’t guarantee more emotional closeness in your relationships.

Instead, it’s that having a secure attachment style allows you to do something that’s absolutely critical for becoming deeply emotionally connected to someone you love: being vulnerable.

These days, I see the word “vulnerability” get thrown around a lot in blog posts, magazines, and TV shows. And I bet you do too. So even though you might be very familiar with the term, you might not know what vulnerability actually is.

That’s why in this blog post, I’m going to clarify what it really means to “be vulnerable” (and why it’s impossible to be emotionally close to your partner without it).

Let’s get to it!

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What Is Vulnerability?

When you hear the words “vulnerability,” “courage,” “worthiness,” and “shame,” what comes to your mind?

What I often hear from my clients is that when they hear or see someone who’s authentically showing up and shares their very personal stories and experiences, they think, “Wow, it’s very courageous to share that…I admire that…I was so moved by that story.”

However, when I ask my clients what stops them from being more open and vulnerable with those they love and care about, many of them share that they feel embarrassed and ashamed because they see vulnerability as a personal weakness that they just want to hide.

Interesting, right?

We tend to see vulnerability as courage and strength in others but as weakness in ourselves. When we are fueled by fear of what other people would think of us if we were to show our true selves, we constantly reinforce all of those mental mind gremlins that tell us “you’re not good enough,” “you’re not worthy of love,” or “just keep hiding; it’s safer.”

We love to hear our loved ones say things like “I need help,” “I own my mistakes,” and “I really miss you and have a hard time being away from you” because it makes us feel so much more connected to them. We tend to appreciate it more. But when we are longing for connection with others, we become “paralyzed” by fear and hesitate to share ourselves.

Although hiding our true selves can certainly keep us safer and within our comfort zone, it limits love, creativity, connection with others, joy, trust, and fullness in our life experiences.

Now, some people avoid being vulnerable because they think it’s about confessing a deeply personal secret to the complete stranger sitting next to them on a plane. Or they think it’s about telling their life’s story to everyone they meet.

But it’s not.

So what exactly is Conscious Vulnerability?

Vulnerability is about making a conscious decision to be who you really are—both to yourself and when you’re with other people. Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It allows you to do the following:

Express Your True Feelings

We usually don’t have trouble letting people know when we’re happy or excited about something. But when we feel sad, scared, or angry, many of us are afraid to expose our feelings—even to ourselves! When you make a conscious decision to be vulnerable, you acknowledge and accept your feelings as they are and openly share them with others (in appropriate ways, of course).

Communicate Your True Thoughts

When you’re truly vulnerable, you also communicate your thoughts and opinions, even if you think that other people will disagree with you or react negatively. For example, if you’re being vulnerable, you can tell your partner that you’d rather go out for Mexican food than Italian food tonight. You can also let them know when they do something that bothers you, like leaving their clothes lying all over the bedroom floor.

Keep in mind that being vulnerable does NOT mean saying things that are insensitive or hurtful—even if it’s what’s on your mind. It’s important to be respectful and compassionate when communicating what you really think, even if your opinion is controversial.

State What You Need

When you’re vulnerable with your romantic partner, you also openly express your needs to them. For example, let’s say that your partner has a habit of inviting friends over without checking with you first. In this case, being vulnerable means telling your partner that this bothers you and stating that you’d like them to check with you before inviting friends to your home.

Being vulnerable with your partner can also mean telling them that you need them to carve more time out of their schedule to spend with you, help out more with chores at home, or just listen instead of always trying to fix your problems.

Asking For Help

I used to think that I was “tough” and could handle anything on my own. So I know that asking for help is hard even when you really need it.

But if you need help, it’s because you’re struggling with something, feeling upset, or facing a big challenge. And remember what I said earlier—being vulnerable means sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experience. So if you’re going through a tough time or feeling upset about something, being vulnerable means communicating what you’re experiencing and asking for help.

Why Do We Avoid Being Vulnerable?

Vulnerability is the key to allowing others to understand us and our experience. And as I’ll get to next, it’s essential for building close emotional connections with others. So why does vulnerability often feel uncomfortable? And why do we try so hard to avoid it?

There are two key reasons.

One is that especially in Western cultures, we’re taught to be strong and independent. And as a result, we think that we need to act like a strong, self-reliant person to earn the respect of the people we love.

When we look at vulnerability through this lens, it seems like a weakness to us, one that would make others see us as incapable and less worthy of their respect. So instead of allowing others to see us for all that we are—including our failures and insecurities—we put on a front and portray ourselves as a strong, self-reliant person. 

The second reason why we avoid being vulnerable is because we think we’ll be rejected if others see who we really are. This belief often stems from experiences that we had in childhood that taught us that it wasn’t okay to be ourselves.

For example, maybe we had a parent who was loving when we behaved well and earned good grades in school but was cold when we misbehaved or did poorly on a test. Similarly, maybe our parents became angry any time that we tried to express our feelings, regardless of whether the feelings were positive or negative.

These experiences ultimately taught us that it wasn’t okay to be who we truly were—whether that meant being someone who fails sometimes, someone who makes mistakes sometimes, or someone who feels sad sometimes. And we’ve carried these beliefs with us into adulthood.

So now, when we’re in a situation where we could tell someone how we feel or we could express what we really think, a voice in our head warns us not to. It says, “You’ll make a fool of yourself if you share that opinion” or “If he knows who you really are, he won’t want to have anything to do with you.” In other words, it tells us that we’ll be rejected for being who we really are. And because we don’t want to be rejected, we hold back and avoid sharing ourselves.

How Being Vulnerable Strengthens Your Relationships

What’s ironic about vulnerability is that we THINK it’ll hurt our relationships. But in reality, being vulnerable fosters closeness and helps us form more intimate connections with those we love. In fact, it’s impossible to have any kind of intimacy—whether it’s emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, or spiritual intimacy—without vulnerability.

Here’s how being vulnerable fosters close connections in romantic relationships:

Creates the Foundation For Intimacy

I’ve mentioned before that intimacy is when you’re truly seen by someone and truly see them in return. In the context of a romantic relationship, this means that your partner knows what your deepest needs, desires, goals, dreams, passions, values, and fears are and you know what theirs are. How do you and your partner discover this information about each other? By being vulnerable.

When you’re vulnerable with your partner, you show them who you really are and allow them to get to know you. This allows each of you to understand what matters to the other person, what they struggle with, and what they truly want. It’s essential that you and your partner know each other on this level if you want to build an intimate bond.

Helps You Meet Your Needs

In a romantic relationship, it isn’t your partner’s job to meet your needs and make you happy. But it is their job to do their part to help you meet your needs and feel fulfilled in the relationship.

For example, it isn’t your partner’s responsibility to create your happiness in the relationship. But if it’s important to you that you’re in touch with your partner in some way every day, get to spend quality time with them at least once a week, and know that they’re willing to listen when you need someone to talk to, it is their job to do their share of each of these tasks.

However, you can have this expectation only if you make a decision to be vulnerable and communicate these needs to your partner. After all, your partner needs to know what your deepest needs are to help you fulfill them. It’s by openly sharing your needs with your partner (and why they matter to you) that you’re able to get your needs met in your relationship and avoid feeling resentful that you’re not getting what you need.

Establishes Trust

Being vulnerable fosters trust in a relationship in two key ways. First, when you share something personal with your partner (e.g., your fear of rejection or a difficult experience you had as a child), it tells them that you trust them. Second, by sharing this information, it creates an opportunity for your partner to respond to you in a caring and loving way and further demonstrate that you can, in fact, trust them. 

Of course, this works both ways. When your partner is vulnerable with you, it communicates that they trust you enough to confide in you and share a highly personal part of their experience. And when you respond to their vulnerability in a compassionate, nonjudgmental way, it reiterates that you are, indeed, a trustworthy person.

Improves Communication

When you and your partner are vulnerable with each other, it also improves communication in your relationship. By sharing who you truly are with one other, you’re able to understand the needs, desires, goals, and values that you each have (and how they might differ between you). This makes it easier for both of you to understand where the other person is coming from during a conflict.

Specifically, when you and your partner disagree about something, you’re able to understand that it’s because of a difference in needs, desires, or values, not because you don’t love each other or want to hurt each other. And as I’m sure you can imagine, when you’re able to understand why you and your partner are actually fighting, it’s much easier to communicate about the problem and find a way to manage the conflict that meets both people’s needs.

Vulnerability Is Like Glue

Being vulnerable in your relationship can feel scary. After all, you might be worried that if you really open up about who you are, your partner will think that you’re a drama queen or someone with lots of baggage. Or you might be scared that your partner won’t want to have anything to do with you if they discover who you really are. For these reasons, you might think that it’s better to be really selective about what you share in your relationship.

As I’ve shared above, though, the reality is that when you consciously decide to be vulnerable in your relationship, it can only pave the way for healthier and deeper love in your life. Because it’s when you truly open up to your partner that you’re able to establish trust, enjoy intimacy, get your needs met, and navigate conflict successfully.

Of course, it is possible that you might open up about who you truly are and find that your partner doesn’t like the real you or isn’t comfortable with your vulnerability. This does NOT mean that being vulnerable in your relationship was a mistake. It means that your partner may not be right for you or might not be ready to be in an intimate relationship. Although it may hurt to discover this, it allows you to understand what you can expect from the relationship and decide whether you might be better off investing your time and energy in someone who is the right fit for you and is ready to be the partner you deserve.

Vulnerability is tough to practice while you and your partner are racing to get ready for work in the morning or scrambling to get the kids fed, showered, and in bed for the night. That’s why the first step to being more vulnerable in your relationship is to carve out more quality time to spend with your partner.

To help you do this, I’ve created a fun and FREE activity for you called the Love Coupons.

The Love Coupons let you and your partner create and exchange coupons for simple romantic activities that you’d like to do together. They’ll help you practice vulnerability by communicating your needs to one another while spending more time together as a couple.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses. 

Until next time!

Vera

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