Welcome to Vera’s Blog!

In my last two posts on the #1 thing that couples fight about and how to know whether you and your partner fight too much, I told you that conflict is inevitable in every relationship. Because when two people decide to share their lives, it’s only a matter of time before a difference in opinion, preferences, or dreams triggers a disagreement.

You know what this means?

It means that if you want to enjoy a happy, loving relationship, the goal isn’t to eliminate conflict from your relationship. As unpleasant as conflict can feel in the moment, it just isn’t possible or realistic to completely remove conflict from your life. So to some extent, it’s important to be comfortable with the idea that conflict will arise in your relationship from time to time—no matter how much you and your partner love each other and how long you’ve been together for.

At the same time, though, you don’t want to brush off just any kind of conflict that arises in your...

What do I hear most often from clients who are struggling with their relationship?

“My partner and I fight all the time!”

In other words, many of the people I work with worry that they and their partner fight too much.

Where do these concerns come from? They’re usually rooted in unrealistic beliefs and expectations that people have about what a “healthy” relationship looks like.

Specifically, like some of my clients, you might think that if a relationship is healthy, you should hardly ever argue with your partner.

Why?

You’ve probably watched movies or read romance novels where the characters who are in love spend their days staring into each other’s eyes, cuddling in bed, and strolling down the street hand-in-hand, not arguing about how to manage their budget or who’s going to drive their kid to basketball practice at 6 a.m.

As a result, you might think that ANY kind of conflict in your relationship is a sign that something is wrong....

I have a question for you: What’s the most common thing for couples to fight about?

When you see that question, you might scratch your head and think, “Money!” Didn’t you read in a blog post somewhere that couples fight about money more than anything else?

Or…is it sex? Sex is an important part of a romantic relationship, right? So maybe sex is the most common thing for couples to fight about, you think.

But then you think about kids and childcare. Being a parent is stressful, and it means making decisions with your partner every single day. Could it be kids and parenting, then, you wonder? Is that what couples fight about the most?

Well, I’ve got some surprising news for you: None of those topics are what couples are most likely to fight about.

In fact, I have a feeling that the real answer might come as quite the surprise to you!

You won’t have to spend hours searching around the Internet for it, though. Because I’ll be revealing it...

In my last few posts, I’ve talked about the signs of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. Specifically, I’ve explained the characteristics of a healthy bond, broken down red flags in a relationship you should never ignore, and discussed relationship behaviors that seem problematic but aren’t.

As I’ve mentioned in these posts, it’s important to be able to recognize the signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships patterns. Why? Because it helps you understand where your relationship stands. And it allows you to identify what you and your partner could benefit from focusing on the most if you want to strengthen your connection with each other.

However, to truly build a deeper connection with your partner, you need to understand not only WHAT needs to change in your relationship but also HOW to make this change.

That’s why in this week’s blog post, I’m going to walk you through 5 habits that make relationships toxic and break down what to...

In my most recent post, I told you about 9 behaviors you should never ignore or downplay in a relationship. As I explained, these relationship red flags don’t automatically spell doom for your future with your partner. But they do tell you that there’s something in the relationship that needs your attention and may be compromising your connection.

Today, I want to look at the other side of the coin and talk about behaviors that people often think are toxic in a relationship but aren’t. These are behaviors that my clients often tell me about when they’re struggling to build a deep, satisfying connection with their partner. And they come up frequently in conversations with couples who are desperate to save their marriage or long-term relationship.

Many of my clients (and people in general) think these behaviors or habits are the root of their relationship problems—or at least major contributors to them. So they’re often pretty surprised to learn...

In my last blog post—on the 6 characteristics that define healthy relationships—I told you what to look for to determine if your bond with your partner is a solid one.

Knowing the traits that characterize healthy relationships is important for understanding whether your relationship is healthy and what you and your partner could focus on to strengthen your connection.

However, it’s also important to know about the opposite—the red flags in relationships. In a relationship, red flags are signs that something isn’t quite right in a relationship. They’re meant to get your attention and signify potential “danger” or “trouble” so that you can assess the situation and take steps to remedy it or protect yourself.

The tricky thing is that it isn’t always easy to notice red flags—especially if you’re blinded by intense, passionate love. And even if you do notice them, it can be easy to sweep them under the rug or...

As human beings, we’re wired to form relationships with other people, especially romantic partners.

That’s why romantic relationships don’t just give us someone to curl up with on the couch or have sex with. They also boost our physical and mental health. In fact, when you’re in a healthy relationship, you’re more likely to be healthy, engage in healthy behaviors, and have a lower risk of dying.

Because relationships are such an important part of life, you might wonder just how healthy your relationship is. After all, it’s easy to find quizzes, cheat sheets, and checklists that spell out the signs of a bad relationship. But what about healthy relationships? What exactly do they look like? And how do you transform a relationship that’s rocky or even just okay into a better one?

If those are the questions that are running through your head right now, you’re in the right place. Because below, I’m launching a new blog post series on...

When you’re a people pleaser, you pour a lot of your time and energy into doing things for other people, saying “yes” to their requests, and going along with what they want and say.

That’s why you might think that even though people pleasing can make you feel unhappy or burned out, it must be good for your relationships. After all, who wouldn’t want a partner who always agrees with them, a friend who never says “no,” or an employee who’s always baking them treats?

It’s true that people pleasing might reduce conflict in the relationship on the surface. And it might seem to make the other person really happy and satisfied with the relationship.

But the reality is that people pleasing doesn’t help relationships or set them up for success. Instead, it hurts them.

Why?

That’s exactly what I’m going to break down in this post.

Keep reading below to discover why your people pleasing is damaging your relationships.

...

As I’ve shared in my recent posts, intimacy is one of the most important ingredients in a successful relationship.

But having worked with hundreds of couples over the years, I can tell you that intimacy isn’t just a challenge in new relationships. It’s also something that even established couples struggle to maintain and rebuild.

Many people think that the only couples who end up in therapy are the ones who fight all the time, cheat on each other, or stick together for the wrong reasons.

However, many of the couples I work with care about each other, are committed to the relationship, and aren’t on the brink of divorce. So why do they come to me? Because somewhere along the way in their journey as partners, they’ve lost the deep, emotional connection they once shared with each other.

If this sounds familiar, don’t worry. It doesn’t mean that your relationship is in trouble. And it’s not a sign that you need to be in therapy. It just...

The early stages of a new relationship are exciting. You might spend every chance you can get with your new partner, plan fun date nights together, and talk or text almost constantly.

But sooner or later, questions start to pop into your head.

For example, you recognize that you and your partner always have a good time together. But you wonder whether your relationship has what it takes to go the distance.

In particular, you notice that you’re spending a lot of time thinking…

• “Is there enough intimacy in our relationship?”
• “Will we be able to form a strong emotional bond with each other?”
• “Are we meant to be?”

If you’re in a newer relationship and these types of questions have been popping into your head lately, know that you’re not alone.

It’s completely normal to wonder whether the person you’ve been having fun with over the last few weeks or months is truly the right partner for you. In fact, I would even...