How to Prioritize YOU: Why Self-Care Isn’t Optional—Even When You Have a Family + FREE Self-Care Time Hacker
Over the years, I’ve worked with hundreds of clients and students. So I feel pretty confident about saying that most people enjoy taking a break from the daily grind of everyday life and doing something they find fun (whether that’s reading a good book, going for a hike, or training for a half marathon).
And I would even say that most people have at least some idea that self-care is good for them.
So why do a lot of people take care of themselves less than they should?
Because they have so many duties and responsibilities on their plate every day. And for many people, taking time for themselves may not seem as pressing as most of these other tasks.
That’s why prioritizing self-care can be a really challenging thing to do—no matter who you are and what your life looks like.
But it can be especially difficult if you’re a mom.
After all, if you’re a mom, you probably grew up being told that moms always put their kids first—even if it means hardly sleeping at night, eating a frozen dinner at 2 a.m., and never being able to get within 10 feet of a treadmill.
That’s why before you had kids, you might have managed to make time for regular workouts, coffee dates with friends, and trips to the spa here and there—activities that you found fun, relaxing, and restorative.
Now that you’re a mom, though, you might think that there’s no way you have time to focus on yourself, take care of your needs, and do things that make you happy. Maybe you even see self-care as a luxury that you gave up the day your first child was born.
But the reality is that self-care is arguably even more important (and less optional) for moms than it is for other people.
Why?
Because being a mom is an exhausting job that you never get to clock out of. You’re constantly feeding, bathing, dressing, chauffeuring, and entertaining your kids. And although you might be able to go a few weeks or even a few months without being able to take much time out for yourself, giving everything you have to your kids (and any other family you care for) sets you up to feel burned out, resentful, and dissatisfied sooner or later.
That’s why this month, I’ll be sharing my top tips and tricks on how to prioritize YOU when you have a family.
(Note that although I’ll be focusing on moms, most of my tips will be just as relevant if you care for other family members, such as a partner, aging parent, or younger sibling).
Let’s kick things off by talking about why self-care isn’t optional even if you have a family.
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Prioritizing Self-Care Makes You a Better Caregiver
If you have a family, you’re probably used to tending to everyone else’s needs before thinking about your own. And if you do, you’re not alone. Research shows that moms spend more time taking care of their kids, pets, older family members, and spouses than they do on taking care of themselves. That’s why it might not be surprising that moms and dads get only about 17 minutes of “me time,” on average, each day.
If you’re spending most of your time taking care of your kids, your partner, or other family members, it might feel like you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing.
But as I mentioned earlier on in this post, if you’re using up all of your time and energy to tend to other people’s needs, it’s only a matter of time before you burn out. After all, you’re a human being just like your kid, partner, or mom is. Even though you have a family, you still need to eat, sleep, exercise, and do things that energize you. And if you’re spending only 17 minutes a day, on average, on taking care of yourself, there’s only so much you’ll have left to give to the family that you’re so committed to taking care of.
As a mom, it can be hard to break through the mindset that you’re supposed to make sure that all of your kids’ needs are fulfilled before you think about your own. After all, isn’t it your job as a mom to do that?
It is your job to take care of your kids. But the reality is that to do that (and to do it well), you have to take care of yourself too.
Just think about the safety video you watch on a plane before a flight. What does the airline tell you to do if you’re flying with a child and the oxygen masks drop down? They tell you to put your mask on before helping your kid with theirs. Why? Because you won’t be able to help your kid with their mask or take care of them in any other way if you don’t get the oxygen you need to remain conscious. In other words, the best way to save your child’s life is to first make sure that you save your own.
I’m hoping that your life as a mom isn’t so hectic that every day feels like an in-flight emergency. But even on a regular Monday morning or Thursday afternoon, it’s just as important to take care of yourself so that you have gas left in the tank to take care of your family effectively too.
Think of it this way: If you were hiring a caregiver for your kids (or aging parent or sibling with special needs), who would you want? Someone who shows up well-rested, healthy, and happy or someone who’s exhausted, distracted, or cranky? You’d hire the first person, right? Making time to take care of yourself helps you be that person for your family. It gives you the energy you need to make the trek to the playground, be fully present when reading those bedtime stories, and lovingly discipline your child when they do something wrong.
So if you want to show up in the best way for your kids, make it a priority to take care of yourself.
When You Make Time for Yourself, You Model Healthy Behavior
Prioritizing “me time” doesn’t just benefit you and your kids in the short term by helping you meet everyone’s needs more effectively. It also teaches your kids that it’s healthy to make it a priority to take care of themselves.
It’s true that your newborn probably has no idea that you’re losing a ton of sleep to take care of them at night. And your 5-year-old might not appreciate that when they go to bed at 7 p.m., you spend hours doing chores before you call it a day. But eventually, your kids will be old enough to notice that mom never seems to sit down and eat a proper meal or that while they get to play, listen to music, or text friends, mom’s always running around the house doing chores.
Kids, especially young ones, often seem like they’re lost in their own world. But the truth is that they learn so much from what they see their parents and the other people around them do. Your kids pick up on how you talk to yourself, how you treat your body, and how you care for yourself. So when you make time for yourself, it teaches your kids that it’s both okay and important to prioritize self-care.
As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, women learn growing up that being a mom means focusing solely on their kids even at the expense of their most basic needs. What’s the best antidote to this kind of message? Having a mom who takes care of her kids and takes care of herself.
So when you prioritize self-care, you show your kids that doing so is normal and healthy. And you make it more likely that they’ll grow up knowing that it’s valid and important to take care of themselves.
You Deserve “Me Time” Just as Much as Anyone Else
As I’ve alluded to a few times in this post, there’s an unwritten “rule” out there that when you become a mom, you give up the right to take care of yourself and spend time doing the things that energize and fulfill you.
But you know what? That just isn’t true.
Sure, if you’ve just brought a newborn home from the hospital, you probably can’t expect to sleep for 8 hours straight at night. And if you have school-aged kids, you probably can’t make last-minute weeknight plans whenever you feel like it.
But you don’t stop having needs, desires, and goals when you become a mom. You still need to sleep, you still need to eat well, you still need to exercise, you still need down time, and you still need a chance to do the things that light you up.
Being a mom might mean not being able to eat lunch at a leisurely pace every weekend. And it might mean having to get creative about when and how you fit “me time” into your days and weeks. But it doesn’t mean that you have to give up “me time” until your kids are in college.
Even as a mom, you have a right to meet your needs and do things that make you happy. And you don’t have to “earn” this right every day by making sure that everyone else’s needs are met first. For example, you don’t have to wait until the kitchen is clean before you can take a relaxing bath. And you don’t need to finish doing all of the laundry before you sit down to read while your toddler naps. You don’t need to check everything off your mental to-do list before tending to your own needs.
Remember, you may be a mom, but you’re still human! So it’s perfectly okay (and healthy) to have needs and wants and actually fulfill them.
Self-Care Is Just as Important for Moms
It’s popular belief that when you become a mom, you have to give up everything that makes you a happy, healthy, and well-functioning human being.
But the truth is that self-care isn’t a luxury that only wealthy moms with nannies still get to enjoy. Instead, self-care remains essential (and, arguably, even becomes more essential) when you have kids.
After all, when you make time to take care of yourself, you’re able to be more present and loving with your family, model healthy behavior for your kids, and fulfill the needs and desires that you have every right to fulfill as a human being.
Of course, it’s one thing to know that self-care is critical for maintaining your own well-being and that of the people you love. It’s another thing to succeed in integrating it into your everyday life on a consistent basis.
To help you create “me time” for yourself on a regular basis, I’ve developed a FREE worksheet called the Self-Care Time Hacker.
It’ll help you make time to relax and recharge every single day so you feel happier, less stressed, and better prepared to take on any challenge that comes your way.
And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and master classes.
See you again soon!
Vera
P.S. Worried that it’s selfish to take time out for yourself when you have a family? Check out the video I made on why making it a priority to meet your needs is the opposite of selfish.
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