SELF-CARE: Why Being Overly Responsible Hurts Your Happiness & Mental Health + FREE Break Through Overresponsibility Worksheet
I used to have a really hard time separating my responsibilities from those of the people around me.
So as I shared in my post on 5 signs that you’re overly responsible, I spent decades of my life taking on responsibilities that didn’t belong to me.
If you’ve read that post, you know that because I was overly responsible, I would go to the ends of the earth to keep my parents happy.
Whenever they felt hurt because of a decision that I made, I’d apologize profusely, I’d do everything I could to make it up to them, and I even once gave up an incredible job offer to appease them.
What I didn’t really get into in that post was that a well-paying job wasn’t the only thing I lost by being overly responsible and believing that it was my job to keep my parents (and others) happy.
I also sacrificed a HUGE amount of my time, energy, and happiness. And because I was so busy attending to the needs of my parents and other people in my life, I barely even knew what MY needs were (never mind being able to actually meet them).
Being overly responsible may not seem like a big issue on the surface. And it’s true that it’s not the absolute worst thing you could do.
But the truth is that overresponsibility doesn’t just add a tiny bit of extra stress, take up a little bit of extra time, or compromise your happiness in a small way.
Instead, it can be a major obstacle that stands in your way of being happy, healthy, and fulfilled.
And you might not even realize it.
That’s why in this post, I’m going to break down how being overly responsible harms your happiness and mental health.
Because when you recognize how much an ingrained habit or tendency is affecting your happiness and stopping you from enjoying the life or relationships you want, you can start to take steps toward breaking free of it.
Sound good? Awesome!
Let’s get to it!
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Overresponsibility Is a Heavy Burden
Most people I know are busy enough with their own responsibilities. And even though I’m really not a gambler, I’d be willing to bet that you are too.
That’s why even though you might not realize it, being overly responsible is a heavy burden to bear. In fact, when you feel responsible for keeping other people happy, making them feel better if they’re upset, and fixing anything that goes wrong, it can seem like you’ve somehow picked up a demanding part-time job.
For example, let’s say that you’ve planned a day at the zoo with your daughter. You’ve packed all of your gear into your diaper bag, scoped out a good spot for lunch, and looked up the times for animal feeding sessions. So you think you’ve got everything covered.
But when you get to the zoo, you find out that the gorilla exhibit is unexpectedly closed for the day. Your daughter was really looking forward to seeing the gorillas and is very disappointed that they’re off display.
You hate seeing your daughter upset, especially on a day that was supposed to be about making fun memories together. But because you’re overly responsible, you don’t stop there.
Instead, you start obsessing about how you should have known that the gorilla exhibit would be closed so that you could have visited on a different day and avoided making the trip a disappointment for your daughter. And you spend so much time thinking about this that you’re too distracted for most of the day to actually enjoy the trip with her.
The truth is that it wasn’t your fault that the gorilla exhibit was closed or that your daughter was disappointed by the closure. But you’ve taken on these responsibilities as your own. And because you actually don’t have control over them (precisely because they’re not your responsibilities), they feel like a huge weight on your shoulders.
Of course, when you’re overly responsible, you don’t have the weight of other people’s feelings and needs on your shoulders only every once in a while. Instead, you probably feel compelled to keep people happy and fix their problems on a regular basis. And it’s only a matter of time before this weight starts to feel like an exhausting burden.
This is why…
Overresponsibility Pushes You Toward Burnout
Being overly responsible pushes you toward burnout for two reasons.
First, when you’re carrying the weight of both your responsibilities and other people’s responsibilities, you have a lot on your plate. I would even argue that you have too much on your plate.
That’s why you might find yourself living an overscheduled life where you’re piling one commitment on top of another and constantly rushing from one responsibility to the next. For example, in addition to getting yourself up and out the door for work every morning (your responsibility), you might also take on the responsibilities of packing your partner a lunch, feeding your son’s dog for him, and driving your teen who slept past her alarm clock to school. So by the time you arrive at work, you’re huffing and puffing, completely stressed out, and maybe even late for your first meeting. (Yikes!)
Your hectic pace of life might seem thrilling initially. But it’ll only be a matter of time before you feel chronically exhausted and like you’re completely struggling to keep up with your daily demands.
The chronic stress you experience can increase your risk of developing high blood pressure, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, depression, anxiety, and other serious health conditions. And eventually, the stress and exhaustion can reach a point where you aren’t living just on the edge of burnout. You’re knee deep in it.
Second, when you’re overly responsible, you’re so busy taking care of other people’s responsibilities that you push your own to the backburner. This might seem like a good way to lighten your load.
But the reality is that when you neglect your responsibilities to yourself, you ignore your needs. You don’t protect your time and energy, you don’t do things that you find restorative or energizing, and you don’t create space in your schedule for things that make you happy. And unfortunately, when you don’t carve out time to fill your tank, you just become more and more depleted to the point where you end up running yourself into the ground.
Overresponsibility Makes Your Relationships Unfulfilling
When you’re overly responsible, you might also feel dissatisfied or unfulfilled with your relationships.
Why?
Because if you’re always managing someone else’s needs and feelings but they’re not doing the same for you, the relationship can begin to feel very one-sided. And in most relationships between adults, it’s hard to feel truly satisfied and happy if there isn’t reciprocity in the relationship.
For example, let’s say that when you spend time with your friend, you make a point of planning everything around her needs. You do whatever activity she wants to do, you eat what and when she wants to, and you even meet up at the time that works best for her (even if you have to jump through hoops to make it work for your schedule).
If you’re constantly trying to meet your friend’s needs and keep her happy but she never does the same for you, you might become frustrated and resentful. It might seem like you’re doing all the work in the relationship and that she doesn’t care enough about you. And when you feel like you’re doing all the giving in a relationship and not receiving much in return, it’s tough to feel happy and fulfilled with it.
How to Protect Yourself from the Consequences of Overresponsibility
Because being overly responsible has big consequences for your happiness and mental health, it’s important to be able to recognize overresponsibility in yourself and then take steps to break free of it.
Here are 3 ways to do this and protect yourself from the consequences of being overly responsible:
Recognize That Other People’s Feelings Aren’t Your Responsibility
I used to think that if something I did made my parents upset, the way they felt was my responsibility. After all, I thought, if a choice that I had made led my parents to experience negative feelings, it was my fault. Had I made a different choice, I figured, they wouldn’t feel hurt, angry, or some other negative feeling.
What I didn’t understand at the time, however, was that just because someone feels upset in response to our actions or choices doesn’t mean that we upset them. My parents may have felt neglected or hurt by choices that I made. But it wasn’t me or my choices that caused these feelings. It was my parents’ perceptions of my choices that triggered their feelings.
Of course, if you say something hurtful to someone or express your choices or needs in a way that’s disrespectful to them, you probably are responsible for their negative feelings to some extent. But if someone is upset just because you made a choice or did something that they don’t like, these feelings are not your responsibility.
Learn to Let Go
If you’re overly responsible, you might often think that anything that goes wrong is your fault—even if you had little or no control over the situation. So returning to my earlier example, you might feel consumed by guilt for not knowing that the gorilla exhibit would be closed on the day that you took your daughter to the zoo.
You can begin to release your grip on false responsibilities like this by reflecting on the situation and thinking about whether you could have realistically done anything to change the outcome. If you realize that you couldn’t have changed the outcome, it’s time to work on letting go. Let go of both the responsibility and the guilt you feel for not fulfilling it.
In the zoo example, you eventually realize that there was no way to know that the gorilla exhibit would be closed. So you let go of the belief that you should have known about the closure. And you let go of the guilt that your daughter didn’t have the “perfect” zoo trip that you had envisioned for her.
Understand That You Are More Helpful When You Care For Yourself First
Lastly, understand that you can show up better for the people you love and be a more caring presence in their lives when you fulfill your own responsibilities first.
Sure, it might be great for your friend if you’re always making get-togethers convenient for her schedule and tailored to her preferences. But if you feel annoyed and resentful about it when you’re around her, this energy will negatively affect your interactions and your relationship. And you’ll have a hard time being the friend that both you and her want you to be.
In comparison, when you prioritize your needs and ensure that you’re fulfilled in your relationships and life more generally, you can be the loved one that your friends and family deserve.
Overresponsibility Is a Big Deal For YOU
You might think that the cost of being overly responsible is minor and more than worth it if it means that you don’t have to ruffle any feathers or rock the boat.
But as I’ve laid out above, being overly responsible doesn’t just take up a bit of extra time and energy. It makes your days much more stressful and hectic, pushes you toward burnout, and keeps you from feeling fulfilled and satisfied in relationships.
In other words, being overly responsible can take a serious toll on your happiness and mental health.
And as I’ll be getting into in my next blog post, it can actually harm (rather than help) the people we love.
That’s why it’s so important to recognize your overresponsibility and take steps to break free of it.
I’ve shared a few key strategies for stopping overresponsibility in this blog post, and I’ll share a few more in my next one.
But if you’re ready to uncover just how many extra responsibilities you’ve been taking on, I encourage you to also grab a copy of my FREE Break Through Overresponsibility Worksheet.
This FREE worksheet will help you recognize how responsible you actually are in a real situation in your life. And it’ll empower you to hand back responsibility to the people you’ve been covering for.
And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.
Until next time!
Vera
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