Emotional Intimacy: The Top 5 Intimacy Myths I Hear in Couples Therapy + FREE 7 Days of Intentional Intimacy Blueprint

Many of my clients first come to me for therapy because in some way or another, they want more intimacy in their relationship.

Why were they struggling to form a deep, intimate connection with their partner in the first place?

In most cases, it wasn’t because they weren’t committed to the relationship.

It wasn’t because they weren’t with the right partner.

And it wasn’t because they had demanding schedules with virtually no free time. (That’s most of us these days, isn’t it?)

Instead, it was because they held myths about intimacy—myths that led them to focus on the wrong priorities when trying to establish or build a deeper bond with their partner.

In other words, they were unknowingly getting on the train to Paris when they really wanted to go to Madrid.

During my years as a couples therapist, I’ve seen 5 common intimacy myths pop up over and over again and keep otherwise solid relationships from becoming deeply satisfying partnerships that light my clients up…

…until I’ve had a chance to show my clients why these myths are just that—MYTHS!

So here’s my question for you:

Have you been trying and trying to create a deeper connection with your partner but have been coming up short no matter what you do?

If your answer is “yes”, it doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you, your partner, or the two of you as couple.

Instead, you might be buying into one or more of the intimacy myths that I see time and time again in couples therapy sessions.

To be clear, if you believe one of these intimacy myths, it does NOT mean that your relationship is doomed or that you and your partner need therapy.

But it does mean that your beliefs about intimacy could be holding you back from forming a deep emotional connection with the person you love.

And that’s a shame.

Because when you have a deep emotional connection with your partner, it opens up a whole new world of joy and love in your life.

So what are the myths about intimacy that might be standing in your way?

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HERE ARE THE TOP 5 INTIMACY MYTHS I HEAR DURING COUPLES THERAPY SESSIONS:

Myth # 1: Intimacy Is About Sex

It’s common for people to refer to sex as “being intimate.” Sometimes it’s because they’re too embarrassed to say the word “sex.” In other cases, they just don’t want to be that explicit about it when talking to someone else.

In either case, though, it can lead people to equate intimacy with sex.

But like I mentioned in my previous post on how to tell if YOUR relationship has intimacy, intimacy isn’t about sex.

Sure, sex is often a healthy part of an intimate relationship. But it isn’t the sex that creates the intimacy. I’ve yet to come across a couple that was able to build intimacy in their relationship through sex alone. And I doubt I ever will.

Why?

Because intimacy is about creating a relationship in which you truly feel seen by your partner and truly see them in return. Sex can be part of creating this kind of bond. But it can’t be the sole ingredient.

So if you’ve been focusing on having more sex as a way to make your relationship more intimate, you might be creating a stronger physical connection with your partner. But you might not be seeing as much of a change in your emotional connection.

To learn how to uplevel your emotional connection with your partner, stay tuned for my upcoming posts on how to intentionally increase intimacy in your relationship.

Myth #2: Intimacy Means Never Stepping Outside of Your Comfort Zone

Another common myth is that when you’re in an intimate relationship, you’re in a safe little cocoon that you never have to step outside of. In other words, you never have to take risks emotionally.

Why is this a myth about intimate relationships, not a fact?

Because you actually have to do the exact OPPOSITE to create emotional intimacy in the first place.

Confused? Remember what I said earlier—intimacy means truly being seen by someone and truly seeing them in return.

Now, think about it. To truly be seen by someone, you need to let them see you. If you put up walls around you or hide inside your comfort zone, you might be able to avoid the discomfort of putting yourself out there. But you’ll have a hard time opening up and being vulnerable with your partner in a way that will allow them to get to know who you truly are.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not saying that an intimate relationship should feel uncomfortable in the sense that it doesn’t feel right for you or makes you concerned that you’ll be intentionally harmed by your partner.

But to create an intimate connection with your partner, you need to take some risks. You have to be willing to share the different parts of your soul with your partner, even the ones that make you feel embarrassed. And even once you have an intimate bond, you’ll need to continue to be vulnerable with your partner to maintain and further develop your connection.

Myth #3: Intimacy Requires Sacrificing Your Personal Identity

Another common myth that comes up over and over again with my clients is that intimacy requires sacrificing who you are.

Where does this one come from?

Many people see an intimate relationship as a bond that involves the transformation of two people into a single entity—a couple. And as a result, they think that to form an intimate bond with their partner, they need to relinquish their personal identity. In other words, they believe that they need to give up their personal needs, desires, and goals.

You want to know the truth, though?

You don’t need to sacrifice who you are to enjoy an intimate relationship with your partner. Because again, remember what intimacy is—intimacy is truly being seen by someone and truly seeing them in return.

If you’re sacrificing or trying to hide who you are for the benefit of your partner or relationship, you’re not allowing your partner to truly see YOU. You’re not giving them a chance to get to know who you are, what you’re passionate about, what you want to accomplish in life, and what’s important to you.

So, in fact, sacrificing your personal identity isn’t just unnecessary for intimacy. It actually hinders intimacy.

Now, I’m not saying that you can focus solely on your own needs and desires when building an intimate emotional bond with your partner. All successful relationships require some degree of compromise. But it’s a compromise that involves working with your partner to figure out how you can meet both your needs and their needs—not a compromise that requires you to give up your needs.

Still not convinced that you can keep being YOU while building a strong bond with your partner? Check out the post I wrote on why it’s actually BENEFICIAL to your relationship to maintain your personal identity.

Myth #4: Intimacy Means Doing Everything Together

Do you secretly love having time to yourself to take a bath, go for a jog, or curl up on the couch with a good book? I’ve got good news: this love for “me time” isn’t incompatible with building intimacy in your relationship!

It’s common for people to believe that having an intimate relationship means doing everything together during your free time. So you might think that when you’re in an intimate relationship (or trying to build one), you should want to always watch the TV shows your partner loves, tag along with them when they hang out with their friends, and accompany them on their errands.

But the truth is that when you’re in an intimate relationship, you and your partner are both comfortable being who you are as individuals. This means that you can each spend time pursuing your personal interests and hobbies independently without sacrificing your emotional connection. You don’t have to literally be joined at the hip all day long to have the deep, loving relationship you’re craving.

Plus, spending time alone actually makes you a BETTER partner.

Myth #5: If You Love Your Partner, Intimacy Should Be Easy

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that intimacy should develop automatically if two people love each other.

But the reality is that intimacy takes work to develop. This isn’t necessarily “work” in the way that scrubbing the bathroom or running errands around town feels like work; it doesn’t have to feel exhausting or tedious. However, to truly be seen by your partner and see them in return, you and your partner need to take the steps to truly get to know each other.

This process starts with first taking time independently to understand yourselves as individuals. Then, once you each understand who you really are deep down, it’s time to share this truth with each other.

As I always remind my clients and students, no matter how long you’ve been with your partner, they can’t read your mind. They can’t get to know who you are just by looking at you or being in the same room as you.

Instead, it’s by letting your partner see who you are at your core that allows you to build an intimate bond with them. You might do this through the conversations that you have with them and the time you spend together.

It isn’t a walk in the park to understand who you truly are. (That’s why many people don’t know who they are deep down.) And even if you do, it can be challenging to share this with a partner.

So don’t feel defeated if building intimacy in your relationship feels challenging. Because for the vast majority of couples, creating an intimate emotional connection takes time and effort. This doesn’t mean that you’ll be less successful at it or that you’ll be limited in how intimate your relationship will be. It’s just the nature of building this kind of bond with someone.

Intimacy isn’t what many people think it is

So in sum, intimacy is something that many people want in their relationship. But they often struggle to build and maintain it with their partner because they believe one or more myths about what it takes to create intimacy.

As I mentioned last week, the reality is that fostering intimacy is a conscious and intentional process. It doesn’t have to involve grand gestures or romantic getaways. But it does require you to show up in your relationship and open up your heart to your partner on a regular basis.

If you’re wondering how to weave more intimacy into your everyday life with your partner, check out the FREE blueprint I’ve created called 7 Days of Intentional Intimacy.

It’ll help you incorporate simple acts of intimacy into your everyday life so that you can build a stronger, more fulfilling bond with your soulmate.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and master classes.

See you again soon!

Vera

P.S. Wondering how to maintain intimacy in a long-term relationship once the honeymoon period ends? It all comes down to extending bids toward your partner (but not the auction kind!). Watch the video I made on extending bids in relationships here.

P.P.S. Is your relationship on the rocks? Are you worried that your relationship may not last much longer? Have you been thinking about ending the relationship yourself or are you worried that your partner is going to end the relationship sometime soon?

If so, my heart goes out to you. We’ve all been in these kinds of situations at some point in our lives and they are never easy. In fact, relationships are often our greatest source of happiness and can be our greatest source of despair.

Therefore, for a limited time I’ve decided to offer a special one-on-one Relationship Rescue Coaching Session. To claim your FREE 30-minute “Relationship Rescue Coaching Session” click HERE, follow the prompts, find the time that works for you, answer some questions and I’ll be there to assist you.

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